It was hard to wake up this morning. I debated about sleeping in and just using up some of my banked hours. But working late is not my thing. It's nice to get off work and still have the evening to do whatever. I rolled out of bed. Showered. Put on my war paint a.k.a. eye liner, today I went with bubble gum pink and purple. It made me look a little ill but also my eyes looked super green and round. With the different look on my eyes, I was ready to deal with whatever shit the day decided to throw. Indeed shit was tossed and smeared. Thankfully not literally. Gotta look on the bright side, right?
Last week's appointments, assessments and decisions exhausted me. I feel emotionally numb and brain dead. This weeks goal is to just survive. Take many break and take care of myself. That includes making sure I eat. Knowing me, I'll stop eating to prove something. To prove I'm tough? To prove what? I dont know but I don't want to go down that road.
I'm making this confession to be more accountable. Maybe by exposing how I deal and my wish to be better that I will actual try. And not just say I will. If there's anyone out there with advice, I'm open and receptive.
10 comments:
I'm unsure how to give you advice when I often feel the same way. Maybe you could take comfort in the fact that others go through it too? Maybe not...
All I can say is that you have to take things one day at a time and really make sure you are taking breaks (and eating for that matter!)
Hope this week looks up for ya xoxo
It's a good impulse for you to share this with us. As you say, it will make you feel more accountable.
Don't feel a need to be more ambitious than you're capable of at any moment: sometimes just surviving is enough.
Thanks aliciafashionista it does help to know that others go through the same thing and are able to deal. It makes the hard days not so lonely and gives a lil hope that things will get better.
Shybiker how did you know that post was done on impulse? You're good! Thank you. It good to hear someone else saying it's ok to just survive... I tend to always strive for as close to perfection as possible. Which is one of my issues to conquer.
You can do it, one day at a time. Sometimes emotions are numbed and sometimes they are brighter than life. We will have a fabulous shopping spree tonight and just have fun! (your eyeliner choice sounds neat!) xo
I find so much happiness in food- I could never give it up.
Talking about things and expressing/ exposing your feelings is a great way to better yourself and move past things, look at all the great response you got and probably some comfort in that you are not alone right? Everyone is human, there is no "perfection" or anything close to it, only what society tells us is perfection so we assimilate and buy fancy make up and products. Perfection is inside each of us in our own special, individual way. We are all perfect somehow, believe that and it will help you love yourself just the way you are.
Even if you change away from where society wants you to be, its not society and their opinions that matters. Its your own opinion and the people that are close to you that matter and you know we all love you and think you are great and as "close to perfect" as any of us are gonna get, so follow our lead and feel that way too :)
YC 2011
hang in there...
Love K
I love the idea of eye-liner a war paint, and I feel you 100% on the sense of being beat up by the past week. Thank God for the weekend right?
you said it yourself ashelle, always look on the bright side! <3
xoxo
I can't wait for the day when you realize that you don't have to be perfect...and to top that, when you truly don't care whether you are or not. It won't mean you don't care at all about improving yourself or striving for better; it will mean you have let go of the incessant need to criticize and pressure yourself because you are finally free. I know I said this before, but I think a lot of that comes with age. At least, it did for me. Over time, I figured out that I didn't actually have anything to prove to anyone, not even myself...I could just be me and that was good enough. You will get there. I know it. The proof is in the fact that you're already brave enough to seek help and ask people to keep you accountable. You want it. And you will have it.
Keep picturing what it will be like on the other side of the painful part of this process...the liberation when you no longer need to control anything through what you eat or don't eat and when food doesn't control you either....the gradual release of your fears and insecurities. Hold onto that picture, and it will carry you through when you think you can't take anymore. <3
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