Audrey has Arrived

It’s been just over three months since Audrey has decided to make her appearance.  The time from when she was born to now has flown by too quickly.  She is such a wonderful little girl.  So relaxed, happy and easy going… Of course I’ll be jinxing myself while sharing how lucky I’ve been to have a good baby.

Girl or Boy?!

I just wanted to share some exciting news with everyone.

Chris and I will be having a baby :)  

If you look closely at the chest you can actually see the heart beating.

Sometimes you just have a feeling that there's changes going on in your body... And I'm thankful that I found out I was pregnant early on.  However, keeping it a secret was hard.  I wanted to tell everyone as soon as I found out.  But you always hear warnings from people about the risk of miscarriage and I was scared that it would happen to me.  Now at 12 weeks, which is apparently the "safe zone", I'm telling everyone I can that I'm happy to be expecting a wonderful little baby.  

The first trimester has been going well but can get hard at times... which apparently is normal.  From morning sickness to extreme fatigue resulting in an early bed time, my body has also gone through some other changes too.  I'm no longer able to fit in my favourite tight skinny jeans and a few other items.  It's a little upsetting when people pipe in about not showing till their fourth or fifth month.... or when the books recommend only gaining 20 pounds.  I tell myself that I'm being healthy and eating well... so the weight gain is what is needed for the baby.  While practicing the act of ignorong the people who think they are being helpful but are actually hurtful.  

Image from: http://cheezburger.com/6344745472

Meet Hojo

Our freaking adorable new puppy... 

I've wanted a dog for a long time now, October 2010, to be exact.  As soon as Chris and I moved into our new home, with a large fenced in yard, I started the "pestering" for a puppy.  However, Chris was very particular on the kind of dog he wanted.  He really wanted to get a Shiba Inu.  A dog I had no clue existed.  And not-so-conveniently, isn't a common breed with the nearest breeder over an hour away (Kortar Kennel), followed by three hours then over ten in Alberta. 

About two months ago, we decided that it was time to get a puppy.  So, after a lengthy interview process with the owners at Kortar Kennel and a three hour trip to Chateaugay NY, to Innisfree Kennels... we ended up with Hojo.    

We named him Hojo, after a 13th century samurai who wasn't known for his fighting but what he wrote.  His writings apparently influenced later samurai philosophy... Just to clarify that our puppy isn't named after the Howard Johnson.  

Kitty Nail Art

I adore Hello Kitty.  It's a little disturbing that as a grown woman I still get joy in seeing this adorable anime character.  She's just so darn cute, how can I ever grow out of her?!  But I do have to thank my mother for talking me out of getting a Hello Kitty tattoo... at the age of 15/16 years old, I didn't have the best decision making skills.

Proof: Tube top from my teenage years... a little inappropriate but you have to love it.

Summer in Photos

Winter is coming...

The majority of my summer was filled with doctors appointments and being in the hospital.  But thankfully, soon I will be back to the real world.  While I grieve the loss of warm weather, I want to share the fun times had durning my summer.

The Graduation 

I'm really proud of my little sister.  

Chris & I Teasing Ourselves

Multiple Visits to Kingston

Hanging out with Jaclyn (Petals for Gems) 

The Kingston Harbour 

Feeding the Ducks

Playing Dress Up in Lil'Sis Closet

Having a Little Fun

Ferry Rides

Kidnapping Sarah

Being a Nosey Neighbour 

Cat Naps

Getting Inked

Doing Some Landscaping

The End.

Storms a Brewing

Day 47.

Tomorrow will be my first day at the Day Program for eating disorders.  Right now, the best way to describe what I am feeling is probably "fear".  I'm scared that 1) I won't fit in, 2) I can't be fixed and 3) that they will ask me to leave.  It's upsetting because this is something I want to do so badly but when the day comes, I become fearful.

Nanny's apartment, summer 2007

Up until this morning, I have avoided the reality of starting the Day Program tomorrow.  Using my comfortable coping method of avoidance, I have continued to keep myself busy during all waking hours.  My blogging, journaling and down time has taken a huge hit in the last two weeks because I don't want to deal.  

Not constructive and not helpful, I know, I know.  

The easiest thing for me to do right now is to reflect on the last time I was admitted into an eating disorder program.  Back in 2006 during my second year of college, I attended a weekly group educational & support program.  

As far back as I can remember, I have been concerned with my body and appearance.  My concerns were mostly that I was too ugly or too fat to be considered attractive.  There were times though that I was okay with not being an attractive person.  During the times when I was more at peace with myself, the positive things like family, friends and school were more important to me than appearances.  Even though my set body weight was not as skinny as I desired; my weight during those peaceful times was considered normal and healthy.  

Winter holidays, 2006

Then came D.  It's hard for me to talk about this ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago but he unfortunately had a huge influence on how my insecurities progressed.  Looking back, I should have ended our relationship after a week when the first warning signs were present.   I was taking an introduction Psychology class, and even had a chapter on abusive spouses.  The signs were present: 1) At first he put me on this pedestal of perfection, I could do no wrong in his eyes. 2) The jealousy about other guys, previous relationships was always followed by apologies, blaming how much he cared.  3) He would talk badly about my friends, try to get me isolated from other supports.  And, 4) the loss of control and choices, he always needed to know where I was and be present.  

Fear of getting hurt or losing him kept me from breaking it off sooner than I should have.  

I felt like I lost all control.  After a year, I felt like there was no other life, other than him.  There isn't many pictures of when it got really bad, mostly because I rarely went out or saw other people without him going into a rage.  Being around 100 lbs (not my natural weight) and him close to 300 lbs, the physical abuse was little but scary as hell.  To cope with all of this,  I got my sense of control back with controlling my eating.  

As the restrictive and purging behaviours progressed it became more and more rewarding.  Soon I was able to have better control over my restriction and didn't have to purge as much.  That was an achievement in my eyes.  Every pound I lost, every day I went without eating, I felt empowered.  When people started to notice that something was wrong, I felt cared for.  

D. and I were still together when I went through the program in Kingston for the first time.  Everything seemed to click during those session.  It was one of the things that gave me the courage to end the relationship.  And I thought that ending the relationship with D. would be the end of all my problems.

With the the sense of control back, I felt high.  Days passed, I continued to eat and better.  Even though I carried around the same insecurities, I would tell myself just to ignore and move on.  At that time I only had one coping skill, avoidance, and used it with every negative event or thought.  

My sexy man, posing on the dragon, 2007  - He looks so young!

Meeting Chris during that time definitly added to my happiness.  He made me feel so loved and beautiful, as he still does today.  But even though I had the support from my love, family and friends.  Playing happy by avoiding years of insecurities and abusive events eventually took it's toll.  I crashed somewhere between 18 months to two years after the end of the relationship with D.

Pretending to be fine started to become harder and harder.  

I started to evaluate everything, everyday and attempt to make it perfect.  When things didn't go smoothly, I would stress and take on whatever I could to make it perfect.  But nothing can be perfect, so the stress cycled over and over.  The body image and appearance insecurities became more intense to the point that I started to restrict once again.  

Maybe it's because I am older now... or maybe it's because I've already put my body through this kind of physical stress before... But this time, I became sicker the more I restricted. Dark circles developed under my eyes, acne worsened and skin became pale.   Headaches and migraines are a regular occurrence which no amount of medication seemed to help.  Depression-like mood and fatigue... 

It's all my fault.  Really.  Most people have insecurities.  Plus, many people have also been in abusive relationships.  I can't continue to blame D. but I need to learn to deal with all that he did.  My coping skills suck.  But, I will go tomorrow to the Day Program and try to change.  Thankfully I have the support of my love, family, friends and the sweet people who continue to read my blog and leave supportive comments.  

Thanks everyone for your continued support.  It really means a lot that you are there.

Do I Even Need to do a Disclaimer?!

Hopefully not.  

But just in case...

I feel like there is a responsibility to at least say that at no point am I ever recommending someone to do what I am doing.  This is my own personal journey and while other things have been trailed in the past to fix my distorted thinking... This is the first time that I am sharing it with everyone or anyone who is interested as opposed to a very close network of supports.  

Some of the reasons to why I decided to openly share is that I would like to be able to reach out to other people who may be experiencing similar situation, along other who have stories & advice to share.  My intention is not to provide advice in any way.  Just to discuss and share experiences.  

Blogging has encouraged me to be more open.  It's interesting that the level of disclosure seems to increase as your identify becomes more anonymous. In my experience,  blogging made it easier to ask and answer the questions I usually avoid when in a face-to-face group dynamic.  Because I'm a master at avoidance, these questions are important to bring up and address.  Especially when they are making me feel uneasy, anxious and or sad.

Even though I am not giving out advice...

I do hope that if there is someone out there reading this who feels similar to what I do, that they will feel inspired to seek out help.  Whatever the help may be, I hope that it helps that person find happiness and self-appriciation.  

My Monster

Countless of hours have been spent staring at the computer screen with nothing coming out of my head and onto the keyboard.  Thankfully someone named M, has suggested that I talk about my recent adoption of Kasuku.  It has been months since I have posted about her.

Meet Kasuku.  She's in her early 20s.  And a temperamental Congo African Grey parrot.... However, temperamental is a given when referring to this kind of parrot species.   Before the adoption, I brushed up on my knowledge of these birds.  Reading many things about how they are the "most behavioural challenged", "most destructive" and "most aggressive" parrot species really made me think, "what the heck am I doing?".  But I knew what I was getting into when I accepted to take Kasuku into our home.  At least I think that I knew what I was doing.

Since adoption it has been a roller-coater of adorable moments to hardcore bites resulting in battle scars.  I don't want to sugar coat it... It's been hard.  Most likely, it has also been hard for her as well.  Being passed along to a new family after 20-some years of a familiar home would be difficult.  

But I'm learning (the hard way) that things like 1) crazy eyes, 2) nesting-like behaviours and 3) all puffed out are all good indicators to not attempt to cuddles.  Sometimes there isn't observable warning signs.  Those are the times that I have to be more in tune with my own agitation levels and the atmosphere.

Thankfully, Hercules and Kasuku have become good enough friends.  There isn't any competition or fights between them.  Which was my biggest relief as Hercules is the size of Kasuku's head and wouldn't stand a chance in a fight.

She loves open windows and being outdoors.

The closest I'll ever get to dressing Kasuku up in hilarious costumes. 

Crazy eyes, puffed out and Mohawk-do = a chunk out of my pointer finger... this is was worst day ever, taking Kasuku and Hercules to the vet was not a fun experience but necessary.

Always escaping the scene of the crime when the camera comes out.  

One day I hope that she will be a cuddle-bug like Jake and Hercules.  It's sometimes difficult for me to have a pet that doesn't cuddle on command, but she's still adorable.  Even if she chews holes through my clothing and skin. 

On Board

Blogging has taken a hit in the last month, and it's increasingly become less and less evey week. Unpublished and unfinished posts have been filling up my dashboard. Most days the words don't form in my mind enough to type out. But it's okay. I'm okay. And I do still check in on all my favorite bloggers, just tend to comment less. I think its just part if this whole winding down and self discovery process. On a positive note, even though my blogging has gone down, my personal journalling has gone up.

Right now I'm on the train heading to my patents home in Kingston to visit for a few days. Tomorrow will be their 30th wedding anniversary. It will be nice to share the day with them and the rest of the family. What makes this trip even more special is that I'll get to see my uncle Rick whose visiting as well. He's the guy who taught me about motorcycles, cars, boats, guns and humor. Even though it's "wrong" to admit, but I will anyways, he's my favorite uncle. I can't wait to show him my motorcycle license.

Traveling to Kingston always makes me anxious. It has nothing to do with the people that I love who live there. My family is awesome and I wish that they all lived closer to Ottawa. But there's other people that live there that I dread running into. Kingston is a small town. Running into people from high school is a regular occurrence. Even now, there are two girls from my high school on this train. Its annoying to hear them nattering about how much they hate Ottawa and how lame Canada Day was.

But I think I'm strong enough to stand up for myself if needed. Not with the two nattering girls because nothing will shut them up. But if I see certain individuals while in Kingston, i don't think it will make me as upset as it would have months ago.

What I am excited for is...

Tomorrow will be a nice family day, hopefully followed by hanging out with one of my best friends, Jaclyn. Monday, I'm hoping to hit up my favorite beach in Ontario, Sandbanks. So far I have Jaclyn whose agreed to come along. Next I need to convince my family to go. But I'm hoping that it will be an easy argument as I hope they love beaches as much as I do.   

Inked

The pre-game jitters started a few days ago.  My one and only fear is that its going to hurt.

{romper: HM / cardigan: Costa Blanca / necklace: Banana Republic, gift from Marilou}

Oh my, the florescent lights really bring out those nasty purple bags under the eyes.
But that's what I get for unhealthy diets and malnutrition.

Thankfully, Sarah goes first.  

She was amazing, you wouldn't have guessed that it was her first time.  She didn't whine one bit.

Me on the other hand.

Whined.  Swore. Clutched. Made inappropriate jokes.  Punched out. And whined some more.

When the pain ended, I loved it!    

~*~

Sarah and I decided to get tattoos in memory of our Nanny.  She came up with the brilliant idea of having the word "love" traced out in Nanny's writing.  I decided to take her "love" and put it into her favourite flower, the rose.  I picked the rose because she was so proud of hers and started to teach me how tend to flowers.  Nanny naturally had a green thumb and big beautiful gardens to brag about.  

We decided on a tattoo shop in Kingston. I insisted that the artist, K., do our tattoos because she did my first one about eight years ago.  The experience I had with her was a positive one, where she helped me pick out the perfect tattoo and provided lots of support along the way.

The experience of getting tattoos in memory of Nanny was nothing like anticipated. Sarah and I didn't talk about her when we were getting the tattoos.  Nor was she really brought up at all.  It's probably still too painful for us to talk about freely.  Also, for me, avoiding crying was a difficult task.  Just an FYI, If anyone ever tells you that tattoos don't hurt, they are lying!  Just saying that outlines burn and kill like a bitch... and there's a lot of outline damn outline in the rose that I got.  

Sarah, K. and I talked a lot about love.  We talked about the choices you are given in life.  We shared beliefs and experiences.  I was moved by how positive K. was.  She was truly at peace and threw out a loving energy.  This experience was really special to me.  

I know that our Nanny would probably not be too happy that we scarred our bodies.  She never understood the coolness factors of tattoos.  But I also know that Nanny wouldn't have wanted us to cry and mourn for her, but to move forward.  Talking about love and hearing tips from a peaceful soul on how to stay positive would be something she would be proud of.