Geek Girl Problems

I leave the love of my life home alone for one weekend.  After I return from my weekend out of town and get around to logging on to the internet, there's a surprising a red box warning saying that we have used 100% of our 95 GB limit... Since this has never happened before, I call my internet provider to find out what was going on.  Apparently during his weekend alone, Chris, not only maxed out our internet usage but went over by 10 GB. 

 

He's such a geek, which obviously makes me one for loving him so much. 

Again & Again...

I've been a MIA-blogger... again.

Life does takes over and other hobbies/activities get all of the attention.  Sometimes I refer to myself as A.D.D. since it's hard for me to stick with one thing for too long without getting tired of it and needing a break.  While I've been away, I've kept my promise to be more active in March by playing more on my Kinects, going for tons of walks/hikes and the occasional aerobics.  I have also learnt how to grow and maintain a veggie garden for the upcoming warm weather.... while working on the never ending task of landscaping the backyard.

Chris and I also have a new addition to our family.

Meet Hojo.  

He's a Shiba Inu puppy and has been with us for just over a month now.  Puppy training is a lot of work, something you don't really expect when agreeing to take in an adorable new addition.  Hojo is super active and really enjoys being outside as much as possible.  So staying active last month hasn't been difficult when chasing around this puppy.  

Feeling Like I Wanna Rip Shit Up...

Home renovations seem to go slower than I would like them to.  At times, waiting for the funds to get what we would like to get done, is difficult and frustration.  I know that I need to remind myself that all of the home renovations cannot be done at once or as quickly as I would like.  These kind of things cost money, and we aren't able to afford everything at this time.  

Call Me Confused

If I was to discribe him, I would say he's a curious intellectual who enjoys a good conversation (or what I like to call "shooting the shit"). He's a patient of mine. And even through I choose to keep my role detached, usually opting from face-to-face interaction to keep objective when doing analysis... I sometimes break my own rules. So whenever I have a few moment to spare, I take the time to stop and chat with the fella.

Usually we talk about politics, cultures, sports, human behaviour, local events and the news. But today he threw me for a loop when asking 1) what I was sick with and 2) what my religious beliefs were. Both of these questions I politely declined to answer by responding 1) it's too personal and 2) I believe in all things possible but unsure what's right for me, call me confused. He was notably disappointed in my avoidance to answer. Which is understandable as I tend to present myself as open and honest... But apparently not as open and honest when it comes to the certain topics.

The topic of being sick is one I have been avoiding and toying with since returning to work. I wanted to be honest but hesitated the avoided. I was worried about what he would think of me, worried about if others would overhear. I'm worried that if people knew the truth, knew that I struggled with a psychological disorder, that they would see me as weak, dumb and unreliable.

Exposing myself would create an environment that I could not control or predict. I cannot know how people will react or what they will really think if I tell them the truth, instead of hiding behind my wall.

What would you do? Would you tell someone what you really thought, feel and believe? Or would you play it safe?

The Colour Green

Jealousy.  It's a nasty thing, that messes with your ego.  But like confidence and other emotions, we all experience jealousy to some extent.  I will admit to being a jealous person who tends to envy people who are thin and beautiful.  That envy goes along with having an eating disorder.  It is something that I'm trying to overcome.  

One thing that I have learnt in my experience of the Day Program, is to recognize my emotions and thoughts... to really explore what is going on and how it leads to the negative thinking which contributes to an overall feeling of being worthless.  

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed.

Returning to the "real world" and applying all the new thinking and behavioural techniques for staying healthy has been exhausting.  At times I feel hopeless that I will never really get rid of that demon called "ED".  I still wish to be thinner than I am.  I still feel like I will be beautiful and successful if I could just lose 10 pounds.  

It's that kind of thinking that leads to the rabbit hole where I get lost in dieting, exercising, avoiding certain foods, keeping a mental track of what I've eaten and what needs to be "burnt off",  allowing myself to eat "reward foods" if I can go a day without anything and numbing out everything else but the quest to lose another pound... 

... But back on track.  I got rid of what I hope to be the last of my "sick clothes".  Now being a size medium/6-8 in most things all of my extra smalls, smalls and 0-4's had to go.  It has taken 4 separate purges of my wardrobe to ensure that only the "healthy clothes" remain in my closet.  Each time, it has been hard to part with the clothes I was giving away.  I tried to justify keeping things because of the designer labels or vintage looks that I adore.  But looking at what I could not fit in was not good for my confidence.

This weekend, I gave away the last of it to a little girl in need.  She is 14 years old and needed clothing.  It was hard seeing her wear my clothes over the weekend.  I was envious that she was able to fit in the clothes that I was able to fit in a mere 6 months ago.  I even became jealous of her and that she had a body that I could only wish of having... But as Chris and so many others will point out... She is 14, a child, while I am 26 and a woman who has a different kind of body type.

Acceptance is something that I am working on.

I've recognized that my insecurities and fatigue over returning to the real world has lead to my weekend moments of sadness, insecurity and jealousy.  It will get better with time.  I have accepted that I'm not 100% recovered from my Eating Disorder, but I will beat it.

When did it become socially acceptable to talk about a woman's weight?

It was one of those days where the majority of my social interactions led into talk about my weight. A subject that tends to cause anxiety and discomfort.

The day started off with a lady grabbing at the side of my stomach, asking why I was gone from work.

At lunch another lady who I barely know decided to ask me about how I gained weight. My answer was as simple as I could put it, which was "by eating". It's funny how people just don't accept truthful and simple answers. She went on, questioning my diet and exercise habits... So I explained that 1) I didn't eat much before cause I was sick, 2) now I eat and 3) there's no specific exercise plan that I am follow, just normal activity. Again, she gave me a look of disfactication, as if I was not telling her something.

The afternoon was when I was tag teamed by a swarm of ladies who bluntly asked why I was away, and why I was underweight before. At work. A small amount of people know why I was gone for six months. Now, after being back for awhile, it seems like more people are trying to find out why. Part of me wants to just be honest and tell them so I can be left alone from the questioning.

The bitchy part of me just wants to tell them to mind thier own business.

Why do you do it?

I could never really pinpoint why blogging became a hobby for me. Or why it is so stop and go... When I think about it, I feel like a flaky and unfit blogger. So maybe I should be asking... Why do I write?

As far back as I can remember, there have always been diaries, journals or notebooks of some kind for me to write in whatever came to mind. I would write about feelings or personal experiences to dreams or stories. There have been many times where it's hard to verbally express what's going on in my scattered brain. Taking the time to sit infront of that notebook seems to put everything in better focus.

Why do you write?

Dear Blog, 

it's been a while.  I can use the countless excuses for this time away. Such as the internet on my iMac wasn't connecting, up until now when I threatened it with Mr. Hammer.  But excuses can get lame after a while. Plus I tend to be an "on & off" kind of blogger anyways.

It's been about a month since I was discharged from the Eating Disorder Program.  The last four weeks have been a challenge.  It was a difficult adjustment back into the real world without the regular support of the girls and trained professionals.  Now, I'm having to make an active effort to reach out to people for support when I'm feeling stressed.  For me, admitting that I need help or even to expressing feelings is a hard thing to do.  I would prefer to put up a front and let people believe that I am doing well.  

Even though I have been doing relatively well, there has been tiny "slips".  In the ED Program, we refer to a serving of food as "exchanges".  It makes meal planning easier when we can look our day in terms of exchanges needed for every 3-4 hours.  But there has been days where I do not eat all the exchanges needed for a complete meal plan.  Not eating for me, is easier then eating.  So when I "miss" these exchanges, it can go unnoticed by myself if I'm not careful.

If it wasn't for a migraine that kicked my ass and good friends (including my love, Chris) who keep me in check, I might have gone down the road of a full relapse in less then a month of being discharged.

The last week I have tried to make a more conscious effort to ensure that all of my exchanges are eaten.  Even though the intensive 14 week ED Program was a different and difficult process, I think that the adjustment back into the real world will be even tougher.  It's now all on me to make sure that I keep to the meal plan, seek out support and stay on track to a healthier life style.   

I'll be returning to work on Monday, and I'm looking forward to getting back into a more normal routine.  Plus, it will be nice to see colleagues after the five month leave. 

My Name Is?!

Week Six.  

And I feel like I have been off in "la-la-land".  Honestly...  Monday-Thursday, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. days filled with talking about "feelings"... I'm not that kind of person so the last six weeks have been hard.  

Not to mention that I have put on about 10 - 15 extra pounds... Which sucks.  Good news is that some of that weight has gone to my boobs... The bad news is that most of it has gone to my stomach and ass.  The worst news is that there might be even more to gain.  And I hate it.  I feel fat already and can't imagine getting larger.  

The team members in the Eating Disorder Program would be tisking my bad "self talk" but this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to say.   Damn it.  When I'm in the program, I feel like I need to watch carefully what I say out loud because if it's too negative or not worded properly, I get scolded.  In a way, I can see that it's a good thing to redirect phrases and comments to something more positive or realistic.  But there is a part of me that hates when someone corrects what I say.  If you want me to open up... Let me say how much I hate myself or body and then question why or give some positive suggestions on rethinking something.  Shutting me down will only get me to shrink and be quiet about my thoughts. 

Urg.  

Now that I have properly vented one of my frustrations, I can say that I am doing alright.  The last six weeks has been really hard.  I have stepped away from friends, hobbies and activities in order to rest. But lately I have been feeling more energetic and hopeful... so I have started to get back to the things I have stepped away from. 

I am thankful for all of my loved ones, friends and the people I work with who are understanding about this difficult patch in my life.  Thanks to everyone for your support.  

Do I Even Need to do a Disclaimer?!

Hopefully not.  

But just in case...

I feel like there is a responsibility to at least say that at no point am I ever recommending someone to do what I am doing.  This is my own personal journey and while other things have been trailed in the past to fix my distorted thinking... This is the first time that I am sharing it with everyone or anyone who is interested as opposed to a very close network of supports.  

Some of the reasons to why I decided to openly share is that I would like to be able to reach out to other people who may be experiencing similar situation, along other who have stories & advice to share.  My intention is not to provide advice in any way.  Just to discuss and share experiences.  

Blogging has encouraged me to be more open.  It's interesting that the level of disclosure seems to increase as your identify becomes more anonymous. In my experience,  blogging made it easier to ask and answer the questions I usually avoid when in a face-to-face group dynamic.  Because I'm a master at avoidance, these questions are important to bring up and address.  Especially when they are making me feel uneasy, anxious and or sad.

Even though I am not giving out advice...

I do hope that if there is someone out there reading this who feels similar to what I do, that they will feel inspired to seek out help.  Whatever the help may be, I hope that it helps that person find happiness and self-appriciation.  

This & That, Random

End of May.  Already?

It just went by in a blur of events, stress, major changes and a winding down.

The only sense of calm was found in my backyard jungle.
Which in about a month's time went from an all natural swimming pool.

To barren land.

To roaming land.

To fresh hills.

And now it's over growing with plants... Pictures to be loaded.

There is a plan to this landscaping madness.  But right now it's the boring work of fixing some dumb decisions by the previous owners which resulted in the fence becoming warped and massive pools of water accumulating in the middle of the yard with heavy rain.  

Enough ramblings because I want to quickly share two events with anyone who is still reading.

Image from: www.ripthefablane.com 

This past weekend, Marilou of Twenty York Street asked me to come to the "I Am Fashion: Rip the Fab Lane" show with her to help out with the coverage.  I was so pleased and honoured that she asked me to go.  Ever since I saw the post by Marcia B Creative promoting this fashion show, I wanted to go so badly.   To be there as a part of press was just awesome.    

So be sure to check out Twenty York Street throughout the week as our article on Rip the Fab Lane will be posted soon.  If you want a sneak peak of the event, take a look at Jose's pictures at his blog, YouGotSquared.  Jose really has talent with taking photographs.

An upcoming event that I'm volunteering for is the Orleans Festival on June 3 - 4th, in and around the Shenkman Arts Centre and Centrum Boulevard.  It looks like a wonderful and fun event for anyone who loves all forms of art.  There will be exhibitions of art, music, the performing arts and an iron chef competition, just to name a few.  The full schedule can be found on the website at www.orleansfestival.ca or here.  The best part?  All activities and performances are FREE!

ALSO, this non-profit organization gives back to charities, including as the Ottawa Food Bank, Children's Wish Foundation and Orleans-Cumberland Community Resource Centre.

Now the random.

Has anyone seriously heard of a Liger?! I though this beast was that of fiction, only to belong in the movie of Napoleon Dynamite. But my friend insisted today after lunch that it does exist.  Now... I googled to find that there are pictures and even a definition on Wikipedia.  Through my skimming of the information it seems like they are serious.  Thoughts?

Taking a Few Moments

Yesterday it was my student's last day. She was with me for eight weeks, full time. The office feels empty and surpringly big (for a closet) without her here. As she thanked me for the experience, I too was thankful for what she taught me. It was my first experience having a student and I was lucky to have had someone motivated and smart.

What I learned:

1) Ask more questions.

2) Google is the answer to almost any question.

3) It's important to take break for lunches and laughs.

4) I have an abnormally weak stomach for the health care field.

5) Starting a swear jar will make me poor while making some charity rich.

6) Find better descriptor words for "ya know" and "thingy".

7) My files are in desperate need of organizing.

8) Don't ever assume.

The list can go on... But my attention span can't. It was wonderful to have the student and her enthusiastic energy. Work has become dull and unfulfilling lately and I was thankful to have a chance to see a bit of it through her positive perspective.

Reflections

For the last month or so, I've been wanting to do a post to reflect on 2011 so far.  But instead of posting, I find every excuse not to... I'm just content thinking about the changes, trials and errors that I have made.  The best way to describe what is going on is to look back at the evolution of blog posts.  It has become progressively less personal and more fashion and event related.  More external topics that might appear to be superficial in nature.

There's probably a lot of reasons why I have chosen to do this.

Right now I am feeling like I can barely keep my head above water...so to speak.  I have taken on way too much responsibilities and commitments, while continuing to accept more. It's the way that I cope.  For me, it's hard to sit still and deal with my feelings so I direct energy to external things.  It's easier to research events, edit photographs and write.  Additionally, it's easier to juggle work, school, studying for finals, weekly hospital appointments, contract job, hobbies, and a somewhat active social/family life.

It's easier to not have time to myself.  

Soon I will have to put the majority of these on hold to deal with my health.
But right now I am just doing everything I can to prolong the inevitable.

Another reason to why I have distance myself from my emo-roots here on this blog is that more people in my daily life know about it.  Until a few months ago, it was like my little secret world, were I can write openly about my life.  I didn't intend for it to be a secret and didn't actively try to keep it so.  Gradually more and more people have found out about this blog and I'm scared that they will think that I'm weak for being me.   Chris is the only person that I can talk openly to about all of this without feeling judged.  He keeps encouraging me to be more open and honest with people that I trust and respect.  That it's okay to be judged negatively by others and not everyone has to think that things are going great for me.  The way that I look at it, learning how people react to the truth will tell me who is a good support to have in my life.

I'm not too sure what I should do.  Part of me knows that I should drop a few commitments.  The fates seem to have just decided to stop my sewing contract and hobbies, by stopping the machine from working.  After a long winded stream of profanities and tears, I've come here to finish this post.

Still, I'm not too sure what to do. 

Officially a Twit

The peer pressure got to me.

The weekend started off with my dad telling me that I ought to get twitter. You know that you're behind on the cyber trends when your rents are telling you what's what. Now my dad is cool and fairly tech savvy but there's no way I can have him out tweet me.

The weekend ended with the lowly ML and Isobel asking about my non-twit account. So I caved! It's done, I've gone to the dark side and see an oncoming addiction.

Now y'all got to follow me: loveashelle

And any twitter tips would be greatly appreciated! I feel lost and confused. Like what does "RT" mean?

I could listen to the rain hitting the rooftop all night long. The pattering is a soothing sound that has been missed during the long winter months. When I peek outside, the snow is being washed away and it brings excitement. Spring is finally on it's way.