Monday, February 6, 2012

The Colour Green

Jealousy.  It's a nasty thing, that messes with your ego.  But like confidence and other emotions, we all experience jealousy to some extent.  I will admit to being a jealous person who tends to envy people who are thin and beautiful.  That envy goes along with having an eating disorder.  It is something that I'm trying to overcome.  

One thing that I have learnt in my experience of the Day Program, is to recognize my emotions and thoughts... to really explore what is going on and how it leads to the negative thinking which contributes to an overall feeling of being worthless.  

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed.

Returning to the "real world" and applying all the new thinking and behavioural techniques for staying healthy has been exhausting.  At times I feel hopeless that I will never really get rid of that demon called "ED".  I still wish to be thinner than I am.  I still feel like I will be beautiful and successful if I could just lose 10 pounds.  

It's that kind of thinking that leads to the rabbit hole where I get lost in dieting, exercising, avoiding certain foods, keeping a mental track of what I've eaten and what needs to be "burnt off",  allowing myself to eat "reward foods" if I can go a day without anything and numbing out everything else but the quest to lose another pound... 

... But back on track.  I got rid of what I hope to be the last of my "sick clothes".  Now being a size medium/6-8 in most things all of my extra smalls, smalls and 0-4's had to go.  It has taken 4 separate purges of my wardrobe to ensure that only the "healthy clothes" remain in my closet.  Each time, it has been hard to part with the clothes I was giving away.  I tried to justify keeping things because of the designer labels or vintage looks that I adore.  But looking at what I could not fit in was not good for my confidence.

This weekend, I gave away the last of it to a little girl in need.  She is 14 years old and needed clothing.  It was hard seeing her wear my clothes over the weekend.  I was envious that she was able to fit in the clothes that I was able to fit in a mere 6 months ago.  I even became jealous of her and that she had a body that I could only wish of having... But as Chris and so many others will point out... She is 14, a child, while I am 26 and a woman who has a different kind of body type.

Acceptance is something that I am working on.

I've recognized that my insecurities and fatigue over returning to the real world has lead to my weekend moments of sadness, insecurity and jealousy.  It will get better with time.  I have accepted that I'm not 100% recovered from my Eating Disorder, but I will beat it.


Melrose said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It feels like I could have written this...

I really need to do the closet purge... but when you get into a dark spot, your mind plays tricks on you and wants to prolong the experience... keeping the clothes almost feeds the need to feel sorry for myself.

Where did you find the courage to deal?

Ashelle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dear Melrose, thank you for your comment and honesty.

I can't tell you how to get the courage needed to purge your closet. It's important that you do what feels right for you. However, I can tell you a little about my experience and hopefully you get some inspiration.

The first time I went through my closet to get rid of the small clothing, I did it because it was necessary for my treatment. The professional at the Eating DIsorder Clinic strongly urged me to do it. So, I emotionally disconnected and looked purely at the sizing labels to tossed out all things that were: 1) too small and 2) no longer fashionable.

Once I handed over those clothes, I had a sense of relief. I did, however, regret that I had emotionally disconnected.

The following closet purges, I allowed myself to feel the emotions and to recognize the thoughts connected with the clothing. It was important to me that I was aware of what was going on in my head and body in order to change for the better. I tried to let go of my expectations about fitting in the small sizes again. And, it was harder to part with the clothes when I allowed myself to feel and be aware. Because of this, I made sure to call friends either before, during or after to get support I needed to stay on track and keep positive.

Some of the girls I know, found it helpful to actually have friends with them when they purged their closets. Mostly the presence of friends would keep the atmosphere light and fun... also they would serve as a guide as to what needed to be tossed because a lot of us tend to have a distorted view of our bodies and we need to be reminded to how we look to others.

Personally I find it hard to emotionally connect with myself when others are around and that's why I opted to calling people instead of having them over.

Hope my ramblings helped. Take care.

Shybiker said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I admire your courage and commitment, Ash. Your introspection isn't easy and you're sticking with it. Good for you.

Hang in there.

LoveK said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself...healing is sometimes a lifetime process just like growing and learning...good luck and all the best...
Love K

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are learning so much about yourself and what motivates you! That is so key. Removing those clothes, a motivation toward something destructive, took a lot of courage. Being aware of your motivations can help you make healthier choices for yourself. Sadly, it's like women come out of the womb comparing themselves to other females. It's so easy to get jealous. Add in reading other blogs by women who portray "perfection" many times doesn't help either. Blogs can sometimes be the new version of the Seventeen magazines that toyed with my self-confidence when I was in high school. I have literally stopped checking certain blogs for that reason, but the truth is, they have insecurities too. Continuing to tackle the insecurity that is the root of the jeslousy will go a long way. It's so awesome that you donated everything to someone who needed them. Even so, I understand the feelings that went along with it. But I hope you will be able to accept your beautiful, WOMANLY body. Would buying new pieces in your new size be a positive motivation? Eventually, you will learn to stop comparing yourself as much and be able to appreciate you for YOU. You will see a pretty girl on the street and acknowledge that she is her own kind of pretty and you are your own kind of pretty. It doesn't mean the old ways of thinking will never try to creep back in, but you now have better tools to tackle them when they do.

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