Day 47.
Tomorrow will be my first day at the Day Program for eating disorders. Right now, the best way to describe what I am feeling is probably "fear". I'm scared that 1) I won't fit in, 2) I can't be fixed and 3) that they will ask me to leave. It's upsetting because this is something I want to do so badly but when the day comes, I become fearful.
Nanny's apartment, summer 2007
Up until this morning, I have avoided the reality of starting the Day Program tomorrow. Using my comfortable coping method of avoidance, I have continued to keep myself busy during all waking hours. My blogging, journaling and down time has taken a huge hit in the last two weeks because I don't want to deal.
Not constructive and not helpful, I know, I know.
The easiest thing for me to do right now is to reflect on the last time I was admitted into an eating disorder program. Back in 2006 during my second year of college, I attended a weekly group educational & support program.
As far back as I can remember, I have been concerned with my body and appearance. My concerns were mostly that I was too ugly or too fat to be considered attractive. There were times though that I was okay with not being an attractive person. During the times when I was more at peace with myself, the positive things like family, friends and school were more important to me than appearances. Even though my set body weight was not as skinny as I desired; my weight during those peaceful times was considered normal and healthy.
Winter holidays, 2006
Then came D. It's hard for me to talk about this ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago but he unfortunately had a huge influence on how my insecurities progressed. Looking back, I should have ended our relationship after a week when the first warning signs were present. I was taking an introduction Psychology class, and even had a chapter on abusive spouses. The signs were present: 1) At first he put me on this pedestal of perfection, I could do no wrong in his eyes. 2) The jealousy about other guys, previous relationships was always followed by apologies, blaming how much he cared. 3) He would talk badly about my friends, try to get me isolated from other supports. And, 4) the loss of control and choices, he always needed to know where I was and be present.
Fear of getting hurt or losing him kept me from breaking it off sooner than I should have.
I felt like I lost all control. After a year, I felt like there was no other life, other than him. There isn't many pictures of when it got really bad, mostly because I rarely went out or saw other people without him going into a rage. Being around 100 lbs (not my natural weight) and him close to 300 lbs, the physical abuse was little but scary as hell. To cope with all of this, I got my sense of control back with controlling my eating.
As the restrictive and purging behaviours progressed it became more and more rewarding. Soon I was able to have better control over my restriction and didn't have to purge as much. That was an achievement in my eyes. Every pound I lost, every day I went without eating, I felt empowered. When people started to notice that something was wrong, I felt cared for.
D. and I were still together when I went through the program in Kingston for the first time. Everything seemed to click during those session. It was one of the things that gave me the courage to end the relationship. And I thought that ending the relationship with D. would be the end of all my problems.
With the the sense of control back, I felt high. Days passed, I continued to eat and better. Even though I carried around the same insecurities, I would tell myself just to ignore and move on. At that time I only had one coping skill, avoidance, and used it with every negative event or thought.
My sexy man, posing on the dragon, 2007 - He looks so young!
Meeting Chris during that time definitly added to my happiness. He made me feel so loved and beautiful, as he still does today. But even though I had the support from my love, family and friends. Playing happy by avoiding years of insecurities and abusive events eventually took it's toll. I crashed somewhere between 18 months to two years after the end of the relationship with D.
Pretending to be fine started to become harder and harder.
I started to evaluate everything, everyday and attempt to make it perfect. When things didn't go smoothly, I would stress and take on whatever I could to make it perfect. But nothing can be perfect, so the stress cycled over and over. The body image and appearance insecurities became more intense to the point that I started to restrict once again.
Maybe it's because I am older now... or maybe it's because I've already put my body through this kind of physical stress before... But this time, I became sicker the more I restricted. Dark circles developed under my eyes, acne worsened and skin became pale. Headaches and migraines are a regular occurrence which no amount of medication seemed to help. Depression-like mood and fatigue...
It's all my fault. Really. Most people have insecurities. Plus, many people have also been in abusive relationships. I can't continue to blame D. but I need to learn to deal with all that he did. My coping skills suck. But, I will go tomorrow to the Day Program and try to change. Thankfully I have the support of my love, family, friends and the sweet people who continue to read my blog and leave supportive comments.
Thanks everyone for your continued support. It really means a lot that you are there.
