Sunday, April 3, 2011


For the last month or so, I've been wanting to do a post to reflect on 2011 so far.  But instead of posting, I find every excuse not to... I'm just content thinking about the changes, trials and errors that I have made.  The best way to describe what is going on is to look back at the evolution of blog posts.  It has become progressively less personal and more fashion and event related.  More external topics that might appear to be superficial in nature.

There's probably a lot of reasons why I have chosen to do this.

Right now I am feeling like I can barely keep my head above to speak.  I have taken on way too much responsibilities and commitments, while continuing to accept more. It's the way that I cope.  For me, it's hard to sit still and deal with my feelings so I direct energy to external things.  It's easier to research events, edit photographs and write.  Additionally, it's easier to juggle work, school, studying for finals, weekly hospital appointments, contract job, hobbies, and a somewhat active social/family life.

It's easier to not have time to myself.  

Soon I will have to put the majority of these on hold to deal with my health.
But right now I am just doing everything I can to prolong the inevitable.

Another reason to why I have distance myself from my emo-roots here on this blog is that more people in my daily life know about it.  Until a few months ago, it was like my little secret world, were I can write openly about my life.  I didn't intend for it to be a secret and didn't actively try to keep it so.  Gradually more and more people have found out about this blog and I'm scared that they will think that I'm weak for being me.   Chris is the only person that I can talk openly to about all of this without feeling judged.  He keeps encouraging me to be more open and honest with people that I trust and respect.  That it's okay to be judged negatively by others and not everyone has to think that things are going great for me.  The way that I look at it, learning how people react to the truth will tell me who is a good support to have in my life.

I'm not too sure what I should do.  Part of me knows that I should drop a few commitments.  The fates seem to have just decided to stop my sewing contract and hobbies, by stopping the machine from working.  After a long winded stream of profanities and tears, I've come here to finish this post.

Still, I'm not too sure what to do. 


Shybiker said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Asking these questions is the first step. The answers will come to you. I'm impressed at your reflections and believe they are healthy.

I faced a similar situation: when I started my blog, nobody in my "real life" knew about it; now, several people do and that affects what I write about. Interesting phenomenon.

Ashelle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thank you Shybiker for your ongoing support. Lately I feel like I've just been asking questions. I'm impatient and want the answers now. But think it'll probably take some time since they aren't very straight forward kind of questions.

The change in blogging after friends, family and coworkers find out is an interesting thing. It's crazy that we can feel more comfortable sharing with strangers as opposed to ppl we know. For me, I think it's because I've put up a certain front with ppl and being fully honest would "ruin it"... I don't know it's just silly talk now ;)

Again, thanks buddy xo

oil painting lessons said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I like your blog!...Daniel

Ashelle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oil painting lessons Thanks Daniel!! Its sweet of you to leave a nice comment like that. I check out your site and you are very talented!!! I'm amazed at how beautiful your paintings are.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You know that you can tell me anything without judgements being made. Hopefully your answers will be there soon. <3

Krista said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I too started all of my online journaling in private and then I shared it. It often blew up in my face but one thing remained consistant: I kept doing it.

Caring what others think can be too hindering. Often it's what we think that THEY think that is false. All in the mind kinda thing.

As Bart Simpson once said, do what you feel!

Tinfoils Tiaras said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hey Ash- it is so easy to become overwhelmed and feel like we're drowning in all our responsibilities- I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety arounf this issue. I think that chronicalling our thoughts through a blog or personal journal is a great tool for working through things. I am always here for you as well.

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

First off, I have to say that these pictures are SOOOOO gorgeous...wowsa!! Please tell me you see that too!

Second, the important part is that you realize when you're doing it. If you just continued on all the time distracting yourself and keeping yourself so busy that you never reflected on what was really going on, that would be unhealthy - but you know yourself well enough to step back and realize you're doing it. That part, to me, is way more important than anything else. Remember, you don't have to be perfect! ;)

Your post will come when it's ready, when it clicks. In the meantime, a good way to make your decisions on what commitments to drop is to visualize yourself doing whatever it is you're trying to decide on and really get in touch with how it makes you feel inside...if it makes you feel expanded and light, it's probably a good decision; if it makes you feel constricted or tightened, it's probably not. (But you have to test whether the constricted feeling is simply coming from fear.) Many women have a hard time saying no to too many commitments. Just remember that you have to always take care of you first, or else you won't be able to effectively take care of anyone else anyway! So glad you can take your turn soon to focus on you and your health!

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