Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Name Is?!

Week Six.  

And I feel like I have been off in "la-la-land".  Honestly...  Monday-Thursday, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. days filled with talking about "feelings"... I'm not that kind of person so the last six weeks have been hard.  

Not to mention that I have put on about 10 - 15 extra pounds... Which sucks.  Good news is that some of that weight has gone to my boobs... The bad news is that most of it has gone to my stomach and ass.  The worst news is that there might be even more to gain.  And I hate it.  I feel fat already and can't imagine getting larger.  

The team members in the Eating Disorder Program would be tisking my bad "self talk" but this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to say.   Damn it.  When I'm in the program, I feel like I need to watch carefully what I say out loud because if it's too negative or not worded properly, I get scolded.  In a way, I can see that it's a good thing to redirect phrases and comments to something more positive or realistic.  But there is a part of me that hates when someone corrects what I say.  If you want me to open up... Let me say how much I hate myself or body and then question why or give some positive suggestions on rethinking something.  Shutting me down will only get me to shrink and be quiet about my thoughts. 


Now that I have properly vented one of my frustrations, I can say that I am doing alright.  The last six weeks has been really hard.  I have stepped away from friends, hobbies and activities in order to rest. But lately I have been feeling more energetic and hopeful... so I have started to get back to the things I have stepped away from. 

I am thankful for all of my loved ones, friends and the people I work with who are understanding about this difficult patch in my life.  Thanks to everyone for your support.  


Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

But if you allow yourself to talk negative about yourself then you are still believing those bad thoughts. I know it is hard but rethink what you see .... you are healthier now and your energy shows it. You look awesome and you need to allow yourself to believe that!
Remember how much you are always loved.<3

Shybiker said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for the report on your progress. This is your blog, so feel free to share anything here in whatever words you want to use. Having an outlet for utterly-candid expression is very important.

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I can understand the need to just "get it out." I get where they're coming from as well, but I agree it's important to have an outlet, especially for someone who is having to adjust to being so open about feelings. Is the "scolding" happening when you're one-on-one with somebody or when you're in a group of other people? Maybe they're afraid of the self-talk being contagious, so to speak, in the group. It's great to redirect phrases to try and change your way of thinking, because I am a BIG believer that the more you tell yourself something, whether positive or negative, the more you will eventually learn to believe it even if you don't at first! But the root causes of WHY you think the way you think still need to be, is it a way to control something in your life, is it simply self-loathing and where did that originate, etc. Just make sure you're not simply feeding them what they want to hear to avoid getting scolded, or else your focus shifts from healing yourself to just giving them what they want so they'll get off your won't help you in the long run.

I'm really glad to hear your energy is gaining. I'm willing to put money on how awesome your bod's lookin', and maybe it will just take you some time to adjust to the new view in the mirror. Please forgive me for this poor analogy that is absolutely nothing like what you're going through...but maybe the principle will apply? It's like when you think you look awful without makeup because you're so used to seeing yourself with it on...once you stop wearing it as much and eventually get used to how you look without it, you realize there's nothing wrong with you and never was; it was just all a matter of what you were used to and your perception.

Bonnie said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am so proud of you for the way that you are handling this. This is my first time here, but you seem like such a strong, positive person. I'm sure that this is really difficult for you, but you have a great outlook.
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Marcia B. said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am glad you are feeling more energetic these days, keep positive! xoxx

Ashelle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. After a while, I am starting to come around... Maybe the experts are right after all (along with Anonymous and Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist. Calling myself names or focusing on the negative aspects is not all that healthy. Lately I've being doing less labelling and more exploration into why those negative perspectives are there...

But I must admit that therapy sometimes turns me into an unber bitch. This whole process can be tiring, irritating and difficult at most times.

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