Friday, January 21, 2011

Now I Wait

This week has gone by in a total haze. 

Work was crazy busy.  In addition to work I had a few appointments at the hospital.  I've spent more hours than I ever want discussing my eating habits, depression, anxiety and body image issues to total strangers.  The worst is recalling the past.  Years seem to blend together but certain events are as vivid as yesterday... discussing them along with my day-to-day negative thinking and emotions has drained me.  

As I look in the mirror, I see a thing that looks beyond tired.  It's a  f*ugly creature.  My skin has a gray tinge, the bags under my eyes are dark no matter how much I sleep, and the pimples covering my face are large, red and never ending.  Wrinkles are already starting to show.  My stomach is always bloated, legs thick, short, and stubby, my ass is bubbly & full of dimples.  Sadly my tits are small.  There are times when I feel that I look more masculine then a girl.  I'm not happy with how I look... I can't think of a time when I was.

I've been accepted into the eating disorder program.  Now wait until an opening is available.  It's an intensive treatment program, in which I will have to take three months off of work.  The time off scares me.  I'm scares that people will gossip about how I'm sick  & why I'm in the hospital.  It's a day program, so I'll get to go home at night. But spending everyday in treatment will be exhausting.  

I think this program is going to be a good thing.   

It's been so many years that I've been struggling with my body image & depression that I cannot remember a time when I was truly happy.   My thoughts are automatically negative and it's an effort to think more rationally & positive. Taking the three months to focus on me and attend therapy will be good.  My dream is that I will finish treatment, looking healthy, skin glowing, alert, & being happy. 

9 comments:

Shybiker said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I applaud you for seeking help and hope it improves things. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. It's so sad to read you express negative beliefs about your looks: you're such a beautiful woman with traditionally attractive features. I envy your physical appearance to a degree you can't imagine. But I also respect the power of the negative feelings on your psyche. Good luck.

jamie-lee said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think it sounds really good that you are being pro-active about your ED, and I hope that you find that this program helps you. Good luck darling x

Krista said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am thinking positive thoughts for you, you wear your heart on your sleeve more than you think and it's not a bad thing at all. xo

LoveK said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are beautiful...its only a matter of time until younsee ts as well...until then I wish you all the strength and warm wishes in the world...hang in there...
Love k

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hey there, I randomly clicked on your profile from a comment you left on my friend Shybiker's blog and found this post. I was just thinking the same thing she said, how she'd just die to have the feminine features you have. We are always our own worst critics. I have felt how you feel now to a certain degree. I just turned 30 last summer, and honestly, I have never felt better about myself - I have decided that I am allowed to think I am pretty, and that doesn't make me a snob, and I now believe I am wonderful to be around because of my heart. I sincerely hope you will reach this point too. I'm glad you are aware enough to reach out for help; I can't even say how important that is.

It truly amazes me to look at your pictures and know that you are repulsed by them when I can plainly see how very, very beautiful you are. And this isn't me just saying it in a way like all women are beautiful, though they are, but you're very striking, and it's amazing that you don't see the same thing the rest of us see. One thing that helped me was one day when I looked back at pics of myself in high school and thought, "Wow, I was pretty and had no idea back then...I spent YEARS hating the way I looked for NOTHING." I then looked at myself from an old lady version of me's eyes, looking back on me in the present, and made a decision to start appreciating myself for how I am NOW, on the inside and the outside, while I can.

Two blogs I want you to start reading. Okay, one is ours. ;) http://blog.theclosetnarcissist.com. My BFF and I started this project as an effort to encourage self-confidence in women and girls. But we also do a lot of fun stuff too so it's not heavy all the time. The other is www.medicinalmarzipan.com. You will relate to so many things in her blog. Her blog's goal is the same as ours except with a different approach to it. Her words will cut right to your heart. I hope you will get a lot out of both of them.

xoxo

Tinfoils Tiaras said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You beautiful brave girl. I think you are amazingly courageous that you are trying this program. I'm no stranger to feeling ugly- I constantly am comparing myself to other people and until one can accept themselves for their uniqueness in all its beauty than self-esteem will be low. You are such a gorgeous girl- both inside and out and I hope this program shows you how worthy you are xoxox

20 York Street said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that. Yet, I am also amazed on how straightforward and honest you can be. I don't think I ever have that quality - I admire you, I really, honestly do.

I always thought you were beautiful. I always did.

When's your birthday love?

xox,
ML
http://twentyyork.blogspot.com/

YoungChronos said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That's great new Ash! Eff people at work, you take care of your own biz, and they should mind theirs :P

Sweden said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

well i think you are very beautiful, no matter what you see yourself in the mirror

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