Rested but not so Relaxed

Since starting the pre-admission program at the hospital, life has been becoming more and more difficult.  My denial of having an eating disorder has been masked with work overload.  My attempt to look and feel like a competent person has failed miserable.  In the last few weeks it has come to a point where I can no longer function the way that I was going.  It was a hard decision, but I took a long weekend off to rest & think.  

It's hard for me to sit still. Maybe it's part of the illness ("symptoms" as they call it) but right now I'm not changing my activity level.  The weather was beautiful, so I spent most of my days off in the yard doing landscaping.  Heavy lifting, digging and fresh air really can clear the mind. 

Some things I'm ready to share, others not so much.  

The first thing I need to do is start saying "no".  I'm not superwoman, far from it, so I must stop pretending to be capable of taking it all on.   When I say "no" to friends (or even colleagues), I shouldn't be afraid of anger or rejection.  It's not just saying no to other people but to myself as well.  This summer I won't be taking on any part-time courses but a break like most students.  At first I thought I could take something easy for me like writing or natural science... but I need this summer to focus on other things.  I've come to the realization that saying "yes" to everything just causes overload, stress and an eventual crash.  

My closet needs to be purged.  I'm not talking items that are no longer in fashion or that I haven't worn in a year... but purge all clothes that don't fit.  There's items in my closet that are small, what the dietician who's help me would call my "sick clothes".  I hold on to these items of clothing hoping that one day I'll fit in them again.  There's also items in my closet from a few years ago which are too big.   These items are just as upsetting to put on as the small.  When I put on something that is too big, I think about how large I can get & it serves as motivation to stay the weight that I am.  Sick.  I know but I guess that's part of it.  Only the clothes that fit me now & make be feel good will be kept in my closet.  The others can be put into storage or given away to the JDRF.  

It's important for me to find ways to relax more.  Enjoy life.  Ever since I could remember, I've convince myself that I'm not worth it, that I need to work hard and do things for others.  Now, I need to start to convince myself of the opposite.  There's so many ways I can enjoy life more, whether it be just at home with my family or surrounded by loved ones and friends.  For myself, I love art and that's always the first thing to be cut out when I go into "Robot-Bitch-Stressed-Overload".  I love nature and being outdoors, another thing that tends to be cut out.  Those two things I want to do more of in the upcoming months.

Three goals that I've written and published so hopefully I feel more accountable to make the necessary changes.  There is more, but those I'm not ready to tackle just yet... but they are written down in my secret diary, hidden in the depths of my room.  

Thank you to all the people who have stuck through this and all previous "emo" posts.  

Your words of encouragement and caring really mean a lot to me.