Resolutions.... Why Even Bother?

As the year 2010 comes to an end, people begin to think about thier New Years Resolutions.  Me?  I'm usually the odd person out by confessing that I never make any because I know that I won't keep them.  Sustainable change in behaviour seems to only happen when you want it to, not when you are expected to make a change... like how people will promise changes to be better with the New Year. 

There's something to the resolution.... or else it wouldn't have lasted the generations.  Maybe this year I should take a good look at myself.  Who am I? Who do I want to be? & What is the difference between the two? Do I really want to make te effort to change?  Part of me is saying to just conform and come up with the usual: 1) eat healthy, 2) exercise more, 3) complete my art projects, and 4) work harder on my professional development/continuing education.  But all of those resolutions are not something I could stick to 100%.

This year I have taken steps for myself.  I've spent too many years unhappy with who I am, what I look like and the life that I have been given.  The saddness, disgust and dissatisfaction with myself has no concrete origin... not any that I can think of.  Maybe it's genetic, maybe experiences or maybe it's nuture, probably a combination ... either way... it is.  I do want to be happy.  That is something I want to change. 

Disoriented

Christmas always leaves me feeling dazed & confused.  Especially since the addition of Chris's family and traditions... we spend the days from Christmas Eve until January 2nd driving from city to city, event to event. I'm thankful for all of my loved ones, but the high doses and little sleep is exhausting.

After a day posting, I've realized that I have done my "Chirstmas Post" no justice.  Oh well.  I'm going to go through it and add a little more information on the celebration.  To eliminate confusion I'll make my edits with a holiday colour, GREEN.   

Christmas Eve we headed up to Kingston to see the family... While Chris went to church, I spent some time at my parents leaving before the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life".

My sister always finds ways to add humor to a more traditional photograph.  Unlike her older sister (me), Sarah is not camera shy and really photogenic... when she wants to be. It's still torture having to wait to open gifts when they are patiently waiting under the Christmas tree.

Awesome socking stuffers! Chris and I had too much fun wacking at eachother with these foam swords. 

Sadly, these weren't meant for Chris and I... they were just beside our sockings in order to taunt us. 

My little brother, David.  Technically he is about a foot taller than me but he is four years younger.

The photo-taking frenzy at the breakfast table.   

Usually we have the person handing out the gift wear a Santa hat but this year we tried out the beard.  After Sarah and David tried it on the novelty of the beard ran it's course.  It looked a little itchy & uncomfortable... I wouldn't know though because that's something I refuse to put on.

The adorable Ferris in the cute jacket Chris & I got her.  Ferris is the most adorable pug I know.  She is too sweet and loves cuddles.  

Dolls freak me out, when they are old & creepy... it's worse.

This thing is so old, that the cardboard & sawdust is falling out of his tummy.  Gross.

After spending Christmas mornign with my side of the family, Chris and I headed over to his. Christmas evening & night was spent eating lots of turkey and opening more gifts.  The nice part of having more family, is that the holidays last longer.  Once we are done with one event, there's another we must head over to.

Beautiful necklace is from the awesome Marilou of Twenty York Street.  It was my holiday bling.  
Boxing Day we headed up to Pembroke to see my relatives: Aunts, Uncles & Grandparents.

To compensate having to drink out of a Leafs cup, she needs to be wearing Sens socks on her hands.

Sens rock, Leafs suck!

As the night gets later, cooperation for picture taking decreases.

Really don't get the creepy doll thing. The worst part was that this one moves.

The kids with papa... I'm the oldest of the three, but obviously the shortest. 

Taking pictures with grandma is hard, because like me, smiling for the camera is something she doesn't enjoy.

Walking Ferris is always fun to do....

....Even though we always end up carrying her for the majority of the walk.

The next day we had to head back to Kingston in order for me to be able to make it to the bridal shower for Krista. It was great to see her again, along with other friends from high school and some new ones.  I didn't take too many pictures at the shower or at breakfast the day after.  Krista will be posting soon... so I'll link her blog since she is better at documenting events then I am.

Sorry for the lack of information & picture overload... I promise to be back to my old blogging self once these holidays are over and I have properly rested. There's quiet a bit of tension in our household right now... what's needed is sleep and balanced meals.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas holiday, that Santa spoiled you and that your New Years rocks.  I'm off to Detroit with my love and family. The plan is to shop and party. 

Merry Christmas!

I've wanted to post my night out to Taffy Lane earlier, but Holiday Maddness has prevented me from logging on to the computer for more than 5 minutes... But I'm sure there are many beauties out there who are feeling the same way.  Taffy Lane is a street where everyone is expected to go overboard with lights. We were the few who decided to walk the block, while most did a slow drive by. 

Right now I'm resting with an adorable pug and a quiet family.  The holidays are far from over for me.  There are three more days of family gatherings, then a bridal shower/catching up with old friends and possibly New Years in Detroit.  What's in Detroit?  I'm totally USA dense... Anyone who has recommendations on what to see in that city, it would be greatly appriciated.  

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season.

A glass of Jag on ice

It's been a long day.  Really, a long week and unfortunately it's only Tuesday.  Anyone else feeling drained?  It's the damn holidays.  So you're wondering about my title?  Well you need a glass of Jag after a long day at work, preparing a proper dinner and then correcting a grade 10's essay on Shakespeare.  Maybe I'll need two.  

Our house guest since this weekend and until Christmas Eve is the littlest brother.  Hence correcting a high school essay.  I'm trying to be "guardian-like" by providing advice and tips instead of writing the whole damn thing. 

Boy, I'm tired. But that's no excuse for me being a bad, bad blogger.  I haven't been checking in with others, only a few quickies when I grab a few minutes.  My last two post have sucked ass.  But I keep looking at my stats and being like "damn why the hell is no one looking?!"... In all honesty, I understand and gotta pull up my socks... so to speak.  

Please, please, please excuse the arm, lack of make-up, greasy hair and tired face but I must send out a thank-you... This is the only picture I got.  There were plans for a photo-shoot with hair, make-up and a cute simple outfit to showcase.... but I have not been able to do it...yet.

THANK YOU MARILOU!!!  

You are the bestest. xo ML from 20 York Street gave me this beautiful necklace from Banana Republic.  It's perfect for the holidays.  So sparkly!  I love it!  It reminds me of my Nanny, she had necklaces this beautiful which I always loved to go through as a kid.  Thank you hun! xo You really are the best.  If anyone out there hasn't checked out ML, do it!  She is so smart, witty, sweet and fashionable.  I love all her outfits and would love to go through her closet.  Not to mention just chill with her, since she is so cool and interesting. 

This morning I woke up with the urge to play in the snow.  Jake has been bugging to get out for a long time, so we went out.

It wasn't so much playing, as it was Jake trying to either walk in front of be or wander off. 

I don't know if it's his paranoid-like movements or his acute senses, but about every five minutes something would peak his interest and be followed by more stalking around the backyard.

Every so often Jake would allow me to pick him up for a quick cuddle but would soon squirm free.  He's a different cat while outdoors, more independent and less of an attention suck.

 

This weekend was full of family gatherings, home improvement projects, cleaning, holiday decorating and entertaining/feeding our house guest.  After meeting Danielle's post about mint hot chocolate, I've been having mad cravings.  Chris and I treated ourselves to cocoa at Second Cup.  

Mint + Chocolate = Yumm

Then I had a more Irish version when I got home. Cooking up big meals always goes by quicker if you have some good music and a yummy drink.  Not too sure why my weekend was so very "housewife/DIY-like" but things needed to get done before the holidays.  I'm excited for only having to work three days this week then being off until the 4th!

Happy Saturday Morning!

It was an early night, last evening so I'm wide awake at 7:00 a.m.  Which means the next two hours will be filled with my favorite cartoons; Fairly Odd Parents & Spongebob Square Pants.  How is it that cartoons can create such happiness?   I think it just brings back happy & fun childhood memories... right now I want to play in the snow then drink hot cocoa.  

Sadly, I cannot share with you my favorite episode: Band Geeks.  Youtube is full with shorts and episodes which people have either speed it up, slow it down or edit vulgar comments within the episodes... I was a little shocked watching a part of Band Geeks which some guys dubbed inappropriate comments within the episode. 

Remember Afroman? I think most people remember his one hit... So this morning I will leave you with a Christmas version of his song.  Chris and I heard it the other day while driving around and loved it.  Song might offend some... so "viewer discretion is advised". 

Random query: Can you get carpal tunnel in your thumb?  My right thumb has started to hurt like a little bitch, I think it's my over use of my iPhone.... I've switched to my left thumb.

Time to Reflect

After posting about my emotional day yesterday, the responses were comforting and supportive.  It means a lot to read such wonderful words. Thank you everyone for being so sweet.  When I started this blog, I didn’t want to have a “theme” but I did want to write about my emotions & issues.  Fashion is something that I have always been interested in and it’s nice to be able to connect with so many talented fashionistas...  As much as I like it, still feels like a foreign world to me. Being "emo" on the other hand, that's something I'm used to.  It's been about 7 years since I have been officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety & an eating disorder.  As far as I can remember, I was like this.  Usually I deal by hiding, writing in my diary, talking to a select few then pushing most people away.

I’ve stopped seeing a Psychologist for therapy.  Mostly it’s due to financial reasons but there is a little part of me that found it unhelpful.  The therapy was mostly looking mostly at things from my childhood and then a little bit of cognitive behaviour therapy.  We weren't on the same page when I told her that this is always the way that I have been, the Psychologist was convinced it had to do with my childhood.  

But I need to start thinking about what I have learned... the time & money invested into the Psychologist can't go to waste... This morning I spent time just thinking and writing down what I have learned about myself and possible reasons why I'm so sad.  Right now I don't think I can post what I wrote... but one day I will share.  

Some reasons why I started this blog? well... 

1) To work through my issues in a form that’s comfortable.  Blogging is great because at some level my posts are anonymous.  Yes there are people out there that have known me for a long time or that I have met recently but for the most part, people just know me as emo-Ashelle who lives somewhere in Canada’s capital.  

2) To practice more positive thinking & activities.  Like I said above, usually I hide and push people away but now I'm connecting.   Virtually, yes but research shows it's the same deal as in "real life".  Also, I'm taking pictures of myself which is always anxiety provoking and ends in most pictures being deleted. But baby steps... maybe one day I'll be comfortable with it. Then,  I try to write as many positive posts as negative. 

3) To connect with others who might feel similar to what I do... and to get support.  Also, there's a part of me that hopes one day it will be all better and that people who might feel similar to what I do, feeling like there's no way change can happen. That those people will be encouraged to seek help and become happier.  We all deserve happiness. 

I think that's all I got right now. 

Day Long Headache

Lately I haven't been much into the world of blogging.  When I try to read other blogs, the glow of the screen gives me a headache after about 30 minutes.  Then when I sit to ponder what to write about, I come up with nothing.  The holidays are fast approaching, I already feel myself crashing.... emotionally & physically.  

Today I saw a psychiatrist.  It's been a long time since I've been on the waiting list and took countless of crying episodes in the doctors office for the referral to be pushed forward.  The consultation was interesting.  There was the usual continuous questioning without any feedback. I've been though the assessment procedure before and they always leave me numb and with a headache.  The wait after the assessment was a blur of  looking at my fingernails and playing Zombie Farm.  When I got to sit down with the "team" to hear what they had to say I already felt exhausted.  

The results were nothing surprising: I'm depressed.  I'm anxious.  I have a distorted body image.  I'm still struggling to get grips on my eating disorder.  The man who delivered all of this old news was very blunt and even a little bit "drill Sargent-like".   The direct, honest and even a little bit mean approach is what I seem to respond best to.  He told me that I had to change my belief system in order to solve my issues, that I need to  actually attend treatment.

Okay.  Probably doesn't help that I have canceled my weekly appointments with the Psychologist due to financial reasons.  Chris will be laid off of work soon and for the next few months our budget will be tight.  Thankfully the options this Psychiatrist is offering is covered by insurance.  The new year I will part of psycho-therapy and education group.

 

It scares me to think that I will have to actually vocalize my feelings and thoughts to a group of people.  One on one or writing is a totally different format that I have just started to get used to but still not totally comfortable with.  

Well that's all I'm going to ramble on about for today... my headache is starting to get worse.  The computer isn't helping but I needed to vent.  Sadly it's too hard for me to talk to people about what's going on, so writing on this blog is a pathetically weak way of me saying that I need a hug. It's weird, knowing that there are people reading this and being supportive helps.

Better Late Then Never, Right?

I have a good reason for not writing about out my night out with the some blogging beauties... Since 3:20 yesterday afternoon I've been on strike.  No mental power was to be exerted from this brain and writing isn't a skill that comes naturally to me.   Really I always have good reasons, Chris says I should write them all down because I could easily have a book in a few months. Some would say that's rude & be offended, me: I laugh because he is speaking the truth.

Dinner with Beautiful Bloggers

Lovely Em from Tinfoils Tiaras arranged dinner at the very trendy Avant Garde.   When Em arrived, she  brought a wonderful present.  A book, Elle Style - The 1980s, it's the very first giveaway I've won. Em, being the sweetie that she is, also threw in some adorable Vogue buttons.  Receiving the book in person just added to how special winning my first giveaway was.  Like her blog, Em is fashionable and entertaining... she's a person who could keep conversations going strong all night. 

{Alice in Wonderland t-shirt & stopwatch necklace c/o my sister from Urban Behavior, skirt - thrift}

My A.D.D., movies & Much Music is preventing me from giving the night justice, a summary: laughs, drinks, most embarrassing confessions, more laughs... so here's the shout outs to all the beauties:

The fashionable and sweet, ML from Twenty York Street was great.  As always, so stylish & classy.  She really got us to open up with a round table introductions.  It was nice to doing the "Hi, I'm Ashelle and work at.... and the reason I got into blogging/named my site is because..." in a lighthearted situation, usually those introductions are in tense workplace situations.  I can't wait for the next time we get together. 

I met Julia, The Fashion Keepr that night, she's a beauty from Russia who has style & intelligence.  A fun fact that I learned from her is that in Russia, caviar is super common and not a luxury like in the Western countries.  Cool.  If I ever go to Russia I'll make sure to get my fill if the salty treat. 

I'm uber jealous of the talent Justyna from Chichichic (pronounced she*she*chic) has for pairing great vintage items, she is always looking so beautiful & chic.  The best thing I learned about her is the love she has for Aqua.  The bar was playing music & videos by the 90s pop artists... it really made me want to dust off the old CD I have.  Recently Justyna posted an amazing Holiday 2010 Lookbook showcasing just a few of her amazing items from her online vintage shop, Chicshop.  I've already sent my mom a few links to my favorite items and hoping that they are waiting for me under the tree. 

Also, I got to apologize for freaking Justyna out... before leaving I told her of a dream I had that her store was located in a mall. Weird, but I usually have very vivid dreams and I like to talk about them since it's fun & silly... so this dream was walking about in a mall and saw a very boutique style store beside a major department store with a pink sign, white lettering saying "Chichichic Shop". As a kind person Justyna smiled but I think it was a nervous "you are freaky" kind of smile.  Sorry Hun!

Julie from Pop Champagne is hilarious!!!  Her blog always entertains me, but  in person I couldn't stop laughing at her jokes.  You'll also recognize her as the model in the Chichshop's Holiday 2010 Lookbook. Besides being incredibly witty, Julie has a natural talent for modeling.  Check out the Lookbook to see for yourself.  There's two favorite photographs of mine from that series: 1) the confetti and 2) the white dress.  All of them are beautiful.

It was great meeting Katarina from LoveK, now I'm her newest follower. She was a total doll and I regret not chatting it up with her more.

Another new blogger that I met was, Angie the head designer from Demu Label, she was incredibly nice!  Honestly, she has my dream job... to be able to design clothes (or anything to do with fashion) for a living would be just wonderful *sigh*.  She had a fashion show the next day in Quebec which I'm sad to say that I missed out on.  But now that I'm following her blog, hopefully I'll get to go to a different event. 

I regret leaving the party so early (maybe I would have had more stories) but any more cosmos & lack of sleep would have impacted me while writing the final exam.  Habits for blogging that I need to get into are: 1) taking more pictures!!!  ML was sweet enough to take the picture of me above and a few others... but I must take a page out of one of my best friend, Krista's book and be less camera shy... & 2) get informed consent from people to post pictures... I'm such a sucker for informed consent... 

Next get-together, Em was thinking about Karaoke which would be tons of fun!  Especially if we all glammed up for the night and just rocked out on stage.  But there's no way I will sing because that's not a good scene. I am the definition of tone-deaf. 

A nice ending to my week was coming home after the exam to full mailbox with not one bill. in it  The two items for me was an invitation to a wedding shower for my dear friends Krista & Brian and my order from Lime Crime.  Recently there was an huge sale at Lime Crime, so I had to buy the wonderful colours plus knowing that they are vegan makes me smile.  Then the vegan thought makes me wonder, what's in other makeup to not make it vegan?! Honestly, I don't think I want to know because if it's gross I'll toss out my makeup.