Recently I have started to read & follow a powerful Blogger Duo called "the narcissists' diary". In the most recent post entitled "Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity", I was inspired and impressed by the courage it would take to disclose something so raw.
The beautiful Jenarcissist
A friend, Shybiker, has dedicated a post to this beautiful and sad confession. Right now, I feel that I too need to do the same by sharing this story. This post is for everyone! If you have ever felt unattractive, unhappy with yourself or not good enough and hope that change can happen.... this post is for you.
I can't say it enough. It takes so much courage to expose yourself in the way that Jenarcissist has. Right now I'm at the point where I know that things NEED to change. I cannot hate myself and beat on myself the way that I do. There are people who do see me as beautiful and even though I cannot, one day I BELIEVE that I will. But I do not have the insight or courage to see then address the distorted views that I have. Jenarcisst is wise beyond her years and is an inspiration to me that change can happen.
There are some experiences that Jenarcisst and I share. I can empathize with the some of pain that she has gone through. A huge part of me has always thought that the scars that life leaves behind can never be healed. That you just have to live with it, pretend that it's forgetten and move on. But there's a healing and growth process that should happen. This process takes a huge amount of effort, time and energy, at least that's how I see it. All of which I had not wanted to invest in until recently.
Another beautiful photograph of Jenarcissist
Right now, I don't even know why I do & think the way that I do. Is it nature, nurture, and/or experiences? Every thought is so ingrained that I cannot separate them from experiences leading to a distortions. Some experiences are very obvious ones and stand out when I try to remember... but I know that there is more to it than just a few facts.... because the I've distances myself from these facts like 1) I was bullied hard core, 2) I was in an abusive relationship, 3) I always saw myself as f*ugly and 4) I never fit in. With help from my therapist and soon from a more intensive program... I do believe I will develop that insight and courage.
I am thankful for my rock and true love, Chris. Without him I don't think that I would have come this far, at least not at this point in my life. He pushes me to be better, to love myself and he always shows me unconditional love. I am also thankful for my family, friends and the connections I have made through blogging.
12 comments:
Wow, Ashelle, you really are a special girl. I knew that the first time I read "the post that broke my heart" :), but you really, really are. Once you stop limiting yourself because of how you perceive your outside, that beautiful soul you have is going to shine through even more.
You've already hit on a key factor - gratefulness. When you're grateful for what you have, you will get even more of it. The more grateful you tell yourself you are for the way you look (even if you don't believe it at first), the more it will come to you.
I can't say it enough how proud I am of you for getting treatment. You WILL learn to face your past hurts head-on, and then they will no longer control you! You now believe you deserve to stop living this way, that you deserve to invest time in yourself, and that's HUGE. Yeah, it might be painful going through the process, but no more painful than every day without fully loving yourself, right?!
Wish you could see yourself how wonderful, smart and beautiful you truly are.
Powerful post, Ashelle. I applaud your confronting these painful issues and personal history. That's a step in the right direction toward better health and eventual happiness. We're all rooting for you!
Thank you for sharing Ashelle- I was really inspired by the Closet Narcissist blog as well. I was also bullied about my appearance and I never fit in. No matter how many people told me I was pretty, I never felt pretty. I think experiences can really define who we are and how we think but wonderful people (like your Chris and my Maher) can support us towards a path of confidence and self-esteem. I know that you are beautiful and I know that you will come to this realization one day xoxox Em
...really beautiful personal post.... sending you good vibes...
p.s. http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/e45a9165084ad4a8e1dbba6a000ce06708619939_m.jpg
thought of you.
be awesome, cause you are.
oh. and one last thing.
http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/1fdfc252657e66050484edbe76374582f28d37b5_m.jpg
i'm not good with words. sometimes pictures say more than i can with words and stuff.
lots of love...
j
This is a useful insight into how anxiety gets setup. Often it is setup by a critical parent or even a pushy parent. More often than not the parent is doing what they believe is best for their child without realising the problems it greats in later life. But as in your case it can also be setup by a critical partner. The great news is that this type of conditioning can be reversed and using hypnotherapy is a first class way of making the change well done. Perhaps more people can see the value in removing the critical self-talk and replacing it with positive thoughts about themselves.
The trick is to be nice to your subconscious it looks after you in so many ways including making you feel the way you do.
Kind regards
Paul Howard
P.S. I may refer to your blog in my own post about what I call the "I'm Not Good Enough" belief if thats ok
Paul Howard thank you for your insight... I am trying to work hard with my therapist on the negative self talk and identifying the cause of it. Everyone should be good to themselves... there's things I need to change, and hopefully I will.
Hypnotherapy is something that has been mentioned to me before & something I am open to down the road.
You are more than welcome to refer to my blog and post.
Thank you everyone for your kind words & good vibes. It really means a lot that I have such wonderful support from others who are so sweet.
I hope that one day you will love yourself, and accept yourself exactly the way you are. (think my perfect imperfections)
i used to have low self esteem, and think i was ugly as well. I just kind of woke up one day and said "fuck it" i like me just the way i am.
It feels great having confidence without being narcissistic.
it will happen for you, I'm certain :)
@Sweden
I think it's okay to be a *little* narcissistic. heehee ;)
Post a Comment