Tuesday, March 22, 2011

And my heart hit a problem, in the early hours

A while ago, I did a Valentines feature on firstsOriginally I was going to post about my First "Love".  Then decided that it was a little too emo for the day of Love, and I posted about my first kiss.   The following has been sitting in as a draft since then, I haven't posted it because it never felt right.  I don't think it ever will because thinking about this part of my past still hurts.

Sometimes your heart lies.  Sometimes you lie about your happiness to everyone who loves you. Sometimes you lie to yourself.  All these lies aren't good for the soul.  That hurt stays longer than ever imagined.

June 2005, Me (green skirt) & D.

I've always been attracted to what I like to call "the bad boys", other people may call them: jerks, assholes and possibly even losers.  In my first year of college I fell in what I thought to be love for the very first time.  I knew D. all though out high school but it wasn't until college after a seeing each other at a few parties that we got together.  He was a traditional romantic.  He pampered me and treated me like a proper lady.  It was nice to have someone see me as beautiful and perfect when I've always felt the furthest from it.   After a few short months that love turned into something totally unexpected and scary.  

D. had his own insecurities which he was not able to cope well with.  His fear of losing me turned into a jealousy and intense possession.  At first, I fought back any restrictions but he knew my weakness: low self-esteem and fed into it.  Taking psychology courses, I knew all of the warning signs of an abusive relationship but like I've said before knowing is a different ball-game then doing. 

It wasn't really love what we had because love doesn't hurt like that.  I pushed away all my best friends and loved ones because time spent with them was upsetting for him.  If I was not in school and not with him, he would be looking for me and in a rage by the time he found me.  He must have known that it wasn't right because he would never show this side to anyone, but wait until we were alone to release.  D. was emotionally, verbally and on occasion, physically abusive.  I stayed with him though because I was scared that no one else would love me.  

Girls Only Party, my room, April 2006

There's two very distinctive nights that I remember being my "awakening" moments. The first was during a girls only party that I was allowed to have.  Permission given by D. as I was almost done with the school year and needed to relax.  We all know that technique where you ask your parents to have someone over when that person is there with you... I kind of did that with D. but with my parents present, asking him for permission to have the girls over to hang out with me. He couldn't say no with my parents within earshot.

During the party, it came to my attention that D. deleted & blocked all of my male friends (with the exception of my two closest) from my MSN.  As well as deleting them from my contacts so that there was no way to retrieve them.  During our relationship, I rarely went on the internet except for school related things.  It shocked me that he didn't trust me enough to have friends of a certain gender on my MSN.

After the girls left, I was soon with D.  I was feeling strong.  Probably due to the "Sex on the Beach" and hour long pep talk from my friends.  So, I confronted D. about deleting my friends, more upset that he didn't trust me  As expected, he got mad but what wasn't so expected was his violence.  I've never been so afraid in my whole life.  During his rage, he proposed.  Looking back, all I can think is "who the hell proposed during a violent rage?"... but apparently he did.  In the moment, I said "yes" but never truly meant it and I'm sure he knew that because we never talked about that night. 

K-Town movie threatre, 2005

A few weeks, and a second proposal done in a similar fashion which I gave him no response just cried later, I had my last major "awakening" moment.  After a work supper, I ended up being the Designated Driver, as D. didn't like me to drink when he wasn't around.  We squeezed five people into my tiny 92'Civic hatchback and I conveniently dropped of a one of my cute colleagues and his roommate off last. His roommate jumped out, said he would visit a friend and ran away... yes this was a sneaky ploy of theirs.  As a good girlfriend I declined the cute colleague's invitation for watching a movie, because we all know what the real intention was. I liked him & thought he was cute & was totally crushing.  On the drive home, the song "Unfaithful" by Rhianna came on.  I burst into tears, called my BFF Jacklyn to tell her that I had a crush on a boy who was not D. 
Luckily a few days later, D. had his wisdom teeth pulled out.  While he was high on the pain medication, I let him know that is was over and there was no trying to fix anything.  It may seem cowardly to break up with someone after a minor surgery and while on a large doses of pain medication.  But it was necessary.  Even impaired, D. still was able to hurt me but he wasn't as strong as usual so I was able to get away from him.  It was one of the scariest moments I had with him.  I don't even remember driving home, only calling my dad to open the garage and wait for me because I was afraid he would follow me home.  I ran into the safety of my house and into my room were my sister stayed with me while I shook & cried. 

It's never right... and makes me sad to think that there are so many people out there who are in abusive relationships.  I can undestand the feelings that tie you to someone who is hurting you so much.  There can be a love there but mostly it is fear.  The fear I felt was that I would never find anyone who would love me for who I was, because of how he reinforced all my insecurities and low self-confidence.  Everyday he would remind me that no one would ever love me and I was all that he had.

D. was wrong though.  I found someone who loves every part of me.  
Chris & I <3 Graduation Day, June 2007
Chris loves all of my imperfections and still sees me as beautiful. The love that Chris shows me is something I used to dream of when I was a little girl.  He treats me like a princess, a friend and his love.  We fight, we play, we love and we grow closer each day. One day I'll share more of the real love story of Chris & I.  He is my soul-mate. 


Shybiker said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh, buddy. Your story hurt my heart. It is so sad. The only redeeming part is that you seem to have learned from it. I hope so. Nobody deserves to be treated badly.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I see him every now and then...I evil glare him. He knows my distaste for him. Plus he got FAT XD. You didn't deserve to go through that. The meds thing wasn't crowdly, it was the only safe way you could've done it. No judgement on that. Wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you how beautiul you are.

P.s think you found all the worst pictures of me =p.

Krista said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh man all those pictures took me back. And the post too. It was a hard time for your girlies too but we waited until you did what you had to do. If only we know then what we know now about love and boys, right? That feeling scared doesn't mean being in love. Hard experiences people go through just to figure it out.

I remember the awful feeling of confusing jealousy and insecurity with love but I didn't know any better. Comes with the territory of being dumb and in love.

It's awful it happened but now you have an experience that can really help others too. Writing this post is eye opening for young and old.

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I know this post took lots and lots of courage to write just because revisiting all those bad feelings is always hard. I think it's so important that you wrote it, though. I think there are many more girls out there who go through this than actually admit it. And not all of them get out of it. You did, and that's the main thing. You never know who might be reading this who really, really needs it. It may give someone out there the final push of courage they need to leave. To anyone in that position, my first piece of advice would be to let your friends and family know what's going on so you have backup in case the guy tries anything, and don't be with him alone.

You chose the right time to get out; he didn't deserve any sort of respectful breakup anyway, but I think you chose the safest time. I'm so glad you're okay. I hope he rots. Okay, I hope someday he changes. But it almost never happens, and it is NOT our job to stay with a guy like that hoping to be the one who can fix him - we can't. That's part of what kept me in my bad first marriage for so long and also the fact that he told me no one else would want me. (WOW, was he ever wrong wrong wrong!!!!) I was never hit; it was all verbal and emotional. But ALL of it is bad and *inexcusable.*

Chris is a hottie, and so are you! :) So glad you gots someone who's sweet to you and allows you to be yourself!! You deserve nothing less. I have that now as well, and it's wonderful. I'm more "me" now than I have ever been. Not because he fixed me but because I fixed myself first and became my own complete person, and he encouraged me all along the way.

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