The last week has been a haze and I know that this little moment of calmness isn't going to last long. As my family is sleeping, I feel wide awake so I steal my sister's MAC just to vent. Or stare mindlessly at the computer screen not knowing what to write about. There has been so many changes in the last week but it really just boils down to one big change.
As of June 1, I am officially on leave from work.
Leave to heal.
There's a lot that I want to be able to do, things I know I will have to do but right now getting them down into concrete thoughts or even words is an impossible task. I sit for hours on end with so much running through my mind but it feels like it's going too fast. Nothing is sticking in my head. I begin to talk but end up going around in circles and then just stop. Think. But nothing.
There is some hope though. And determination. This time, I really do want to beat my eating disorder in the ass. I want to push it out of my life and begin to love myself. This sickness has taken my youth. It has made me look and feel ill for most of my life. I'm done with it.
I don't love myself now. But I will.
8 comments:
Good luck with your struggle. And thank you for the very pretty pictures.
It is so brave to take the time you need to combat what I am sure is a huge obstacle - but I have faith you will succeed!
xo
I am so proud of you for facing your issues head on. You have serious balls, girl. I admire your strength. :) Good luck with everything!
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Thank you for your supportive words. It really means a lot to me. This whole experience is scary but I think I'll be sharing more because I know there's people who can relate. And I hope it will encourage more people to seek help.
Thanks Shybiker for complimenting my pictures. My sister lent me her awesome camera yesterday and I had a fun time playing around with different settings.
The beautiful flowers are almost as beautiful as you- and soon you will know that as well. You are in my thoughts Ash- let me know if you need anything xo
wow, these images are amazing. I love how you've edited them. good luck girl, thinking of ya :)
xoxo
I think your strong desire for change is half the battle, really, and that's why I know you can get there. It may not be easy, it may not be instantaneous, and you may find yourself slipping back into old patterns down the road, *but* now you will really have the tools to beat this thing. Even if you have to beat it over and over rather than just one good time, you will beat it. You're one of the bravest people I know. Go get 'em! Learn to see the value in you that all the rest of us see. :)
Tinfoils Tiaras You are too sweet Hun.
The photographs were taken with my sister's camera. She has some cool settings like only showing one colour and swapping colours. I hope to one day steal her camera, but I think she would notice.
Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist You always have such kind and wise words of advice. Thank you for being so sweet.
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