It's That Time Again

I must excuse myself for the lack of blogging.  It's lame to continue coming up with excuses for why regular posts aren't pumped out.  Maybe I'm not that kind of blogger who will provide daily updates Monday - Friday.  

And that should be okay.  

Last Thursday was an exhausting day.  I woke up to the confirmation that I would be in a photo shoot for the Ottawa Citizen.  Most people would be happy, and I was but also very nervous since it was a bathing suit shoot.  As a person with body image issues, I looked at this as a challenge.  The reason for the shoot was right.  It's a photo-editorial on women of all shapes and beauty, and the bathing suits that compliment them.  

The fitting was at noon that day.  And I made sure to be a little bit early... Walking through the store alone, the excitement of trying a new bathing suit hit.  When the nice young woman who works there approached me, she kindly insisted that I pick out a few to try on before the rest of the group came.  Even though I declined, opting to wait for the group, we still looked through the beautiful pieces.  

My excitement quickly vanished with the arrival of the photo shoot party.  It had nothing to do with who they were.  As they were all very nice.  But my own insecurities of being the ugliest one and one of the largest.  

Comparison and competition... It's something that seems to be ingrained into me, it's part of my struggle to be perfect.  This is something that I need to work on.  

Why is it that I feel the need to be the best? It should be okay to be just me.  

But when I say (or write) these words, my automatic reaction is to shrug off the self-love.  

It feels wrong to like myself.  

During the bathing suit fitting, I totally shut down and checked out for it.  I let others pick out my bathing suit and tell me what looked good.  Thankfully I was with honest and nice people so the bathing suits were stylish.  But a part of me regrets not being present to speak my mind and enjoy the experience.  

One of my biggest coping mechanism is "checking out" and just doing what needs to be done in order to complete the task well. It's not a good way to live.

When I got home, I got the call that I've been waiting for....  

I'm officially next in line for the ED Day Program.

Confirming that I will be available and willing to attend was harder than I thought.  All this time I've been waiting and wanting to go.  But when I actually had to say "yes", my hands and voice trembled in total fear. 

As if I get this call, the day I find out & get fitted for a bathing suit photo shoot. 

Saturday afternoon, the shoot passed by quick and painless.  Umm, nevermind.  Painless would be a bit of a lie.  It was awkward to pose in front of a camera, for a guy that I didn't know while dressed in a bikini.  But the support of the ladies and the photographer was much appreciated and absorbed.  Instead of focusing all of my attention on my thunder thighs, expanding tummy and tiny tits... I actually listened to the constructive feedback being given on poses and the compliments.  I might not have seen myself as "working the camera" while laying by the pool side.  But I appreciated when others mentioned this quality and thanked them for saying nice things.  

When it was done, my mood was lifted even though a headache sunk in.  All the apprehension I felt before, was gone.  When Chris teased me after the shoot, I enjoyed it as flirting instead of the usually fighting back with taunts.   

Sandbanks Fishy Face from 2004... or so.... photo taken by Jaclyn

Now it's just a waiting game.  Waiting for the pictures to be published in the Ottawa Citizen this upcoming Sunday.  Waiting for the official start date of the ED Day Program.  

I'm anxious to see the results of the photo shoot.  I'm also anxious to start the ED Day Program.  

So now I just try to take it a day at a time.   I'll try to enjoy the sun and my time to rest.  But mostly this week I'll be waiting to see what unfolds.