The last few weeks have been my hardest so far in this whole thing called "treatment".
I'm pissed about the weight I've gained and the strong possibility of more pounds to come.
I hate having to eat extra for every 15 minutes worth of activity.
I'm irritated at the constant questioning about "how certain things make me feel".
I feel inhuman when I'm not able to cry or express sadness.
I'm exhausted during the evenings and weekends.
~*~
Even though there has been a slight increase in my energy levels, I still don't feel motivated to get involved. There's so many ideas and desires floating in my head but nothing seems to be put into action. It's something I have to start working on. Just because I'm feeling more sad and irritated lately doesn't mean I should withdraw from things in my life.
Coming up I will be volunteering at an exciting event for a website that I write for. The task will be mostly out of my comfort zone with a lot of socializing and networking. But I'm up for the challenge and thankful to have the opportunity.
8 comments:
I know you don't want to hear it - but I'm sure you look gorgeous with your new curves.
And the first few weeks of "getting involved" are the hardest, but then you just want to keep moving... things will get better! Keep doing what you're doing!
Oh, and you're so not inhuman. I am definitely not the touchy-feely type either. It just doesn't come natural to some of us.
Thanks for the update, buddy. Hang in there. Sorry it's hard.
Well...damn. I'm sorry things are still so hard. :( Maybe it's one of those things that has to get worse before it gets better? The important thing is you're not giving up. But I'm sorry that it's so difficult.
I'm excited to hear about the 20YS event. Each risk you take will make you that much more secure in yourself after you've done it.
<3
I haven't gone through a program like yours personally, but I can definitely empathize with some of the frustrations you've mentioned. Maybe your avg 14 year old can be treated without regard to giving explanations as to why certain methods are being used, but I'd never be able to tolerate being expected to follow orders without the benefit of an explanation. And just having you pack on 15 pounds for the hell of it? There's a huge difference in how healthy a body will be overall when you compare 15 pounds of flab as opposed to making an attempt to create some muscle mass. I don't mean bodybuilding..but definitely moderate lean muscle. Overall have more energy, healthier physically and mentally.I hope this comes across in the way it's meant, not as some bitch hating..just kind of puzzled. I certainly do not know the particulars of your situation, but with something you seem to be addressing so intensely, you'd like to be happy with the methods being used to treat the condition.People just seem to forget that medical professionals are not omniscient and to ascertain the best treatment you have to be your own advocate and demand the best care. If they had me cramming calories , i'd be building some strength into my body. Moderate free weights. Heavy with low reps. Running to build endurance would also help immeasurably. I don't know if you've ever done any running, but the endorphin release is no myth.Regardless, kudos on taking on what's undoubtedly a difficult problem.
If you can say this on your blog your should do so in therapy... these feelings need to be talked about with the experts.... Be good to yourself and remember you are loved
Hey kj
Thanks for the comment and no worries, I don't think you're a "hating bitch". A big part of me totally understands and agrees with what you are saying. But at the same time I should probably explain the situation... As much as it is difficult for me to say this, its actually okay for me to gain the weight because before I was underweight and sick. Even though I do feel like I'm "packing on the fatty pounds", a part of me needs to reassure myself that its healthy and needed weight.
I think your suggestions are good and healthy ones. But unfortunately I'm not in the best state of mind to follow them in a way that would be good for my health. Right now, there are still days that I really struggle with my body image, and I have a strong desire to be overly thin... Once I have a better handle on this, I can do something similar to what you suggest.
Thanks everyone for your support and kind words. The program is really hard and recently a lot of emotions have been overwhelming. As Anonymous suggested, I will need to talk more openly in group and with the experts. It's hard to do but needed at this time.
I really want to say thank you to the people who continue to drop by my blog and check in. Recently I haven't been checking out all of your blogs and I do regret being disconnected. But I promise that once I get things better under control, I will be stopping by your blogs once more.
Thanks xo
HAhahaah, 'so, how did you feel'?? aw, i almost miss hearing that. they're all challenges, my dear!! treat them as something with purpose!!
and that is such a beautiful picture of you!!!!!!
congratulations on your hard work so far.
<3 j.
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