Call Me Confused

If I was to discribe him, I would say he's a curious intellectual who enjoys a good conversation (or what I like to call "shooting the shit"). He's a patient of mine. And even through I choose to keep my role detached, usually opting from face-to-face interaction to keep objective when doing analysis... I sometimes break my own rules. So whenever I have a few moment to spare, I take the time to stop and chat with the fella.

Usually we talk about politics, cultures, sports, human behaviour, local events and the news. But today he threw me for a loop when asking 1) what I was sick with and 2) what my religious beliefs were. Both of these questions I politely declined to answer by responding 1) it's too personal and 2) I believe in all things possible but unsure what's right for me, call me confused. He was notably disappointed in my avoidance to answer. Which is understandable as I tend to present myself as open and honest... But apparently not as open and honest when it comes to the certain topics.

The topic of being sick is one I have been avoiding and toying with since returning to work. I wanted to be honest but hesitated the avoided. I was worried about what he would think of me, worried about if others would overhear. I'm worried that if people knew the truth, knew that I struggled with a psychological disorder, that they would see me as weak, dumb and unreliable.

Exposing myself would create an environment that I could not control or predict. I cannot know how people will react or what they will really think if I tell them the truth, instead of hiding behind my wall.

What would you do? Would you tell someone what you really thought, feel and believe? Or would you play it safe?

When did it become socially acceptable to talk about a woman's weight?

It was one of those days where the majority of my social interactions led into talk about my weight. A subject that tends to cause anxiety and discomfort.

The day started off with a lady grabbing at the side of my stomach, asking why I was gone from work.

At lunch another lady who I barely know decided to ask me about how I gained weight. My answer was as simple as I could put it, which was "by eating". It's funny how people just don't accept truthful and simple answers. She went on, questioning my diet and exercise habits... So I explained that 1) I didn't eat much before cause I was sick, 2) now I eat and 3) there's no specific exercise plan that I am follow, just normal activity. Again, she gave me a look of disfactication, as if I was not telling her something.

The afternoon was when I was tag teamed by a swarm of ladies who bluntly asked why I was away, and why I was underweight before. At work. A small amount of people know why I was gone for six months. Now, after being back for awhile, it seems like more people are trying to find out why. Part of me wants to just be honest and tell them so I can be left alone from the questioning.

The bitchy part of me just wants to tell them to mind thier own business.

Can't Sit Still

Day 10. I've been off of work for 10 days.

The biggest fear was not having anything to do resulting in too much TV watching and a depression. Surprisingly for an unemployed individual, I've been keeping my schedule full. Between the necessary appointments; backyard forest has been tamed, 20YS meetings & posts happened, family visits, younger sister's convocation, butterfly cupcakes baked, dreaded housework catch up, rediscovering sewing and landscaping has all kept me busy.

Emotionally I'm not ready to address what needs to be. What I need is reassurance that I had more than work in my life. It might sound silly to some people but I did pride myself on the work that I do. Now, not having work, I'm not too sure what to be proud of. This week showed me that I have more in my life. Even though I might not think of the things that I have done during these 10 days as being accomplishments, there's people in my life who are gratefully for some of those things. Heck, who doesn't like when I bake cupcakes are baked?  Especially cupcakes with pink & sparkly butterflies on them.

One decision I think that I might have made is regarding sharing. How much my experience of going through an intensive Eating Disorder treatment program and the days leading up to it. Every person I talk to has the initial reaction that it is mine to keep private and that I have every right to keep it so.  However, most tend to change to suggestions that it 1) could be theraputic, and 2) could be helpful to others. 

Up until this point, I have consider myself to be fairly open with what I "blog" about. And I don't think that I will reduce the level in which I feel that I'm at now.  I believe that it's therapeutic to write something that is visible to others and have responses. And a big part of me hopes to be able to reach out to people who may be feeling similar (or can relate) and wishes for some change. But to share more? 

It's not a easy decision to make.  People I am close to may feel uncomfortable reading more detailed reports on "how I'm doing" or what's going on with treatment.  Then, there's the foolish fact that I have my blog link on Facebook, which means anyone who is interested could easily find this blog.  Not too sure if I'm comoftable with everyone from my "344friends" on Facebook having the the easy link to my blog... Probably should erase it.  But for some reason I'm partially comfortable with being candid and honest for anyone interested.  

I Challenge Thee

Morning Beauties,
I'm I the last person on earth to find the awesome shoe collection of Jeffrey Campbell?! At my 4:30, unplanned, wake-up I spent the time between awake and alarm going off, browsing his collection while drooling. I must thank the beautiful Doe Deere for that find. She has cleaned out her closet and has put her feminine & colourful items on eBay, it's great for me because we have the same size in shoes and clothing measurements... Not so great for my credit.

Kay, now to my point of this post. I've been doing some guest blogging for Twenty York Street. One of my posts is a fashion challenge which is super easy, called the Twenty York Street 10x10 Challenge.

I challenge you to this... Umm, challenge. Rules found at 20YS. You can do it over a 10 day span or even "cheat" by playing dress up one afternoon. Just leave a comment here or at 20YS.

Just a Bundle

My nerves are super high right now. In just over an hour I will be meeting with my Manager to tell her about my upcoming health leave and the reason. I do realize that there are rights protecting me from having to tell her everything but I trust and respect her. She has always been a good support and that's what I need right now. It's hard going to work and pretending everything is okay. Last night while hanging out with a work friend (a whole night of de-braiding her hair), I tried to say outloud what's going on to someone who doesn't know. Thought of it as practice. Well I failed and avoided the topic totally.

Another reason for telling her is that I would like her help. The Health Office is giving me a hard time with requesting leave... I feel harassed and violated everytime I leave thier office. When talking to friends with experience dealing with the Health Office, all I hear is horror stories. These reports are beyond destressing. It's hard to imagine while being off, having to provide almost daily reports on when I'll be returning to work and the progress of treatment. I feel like it's none of thier business and that they have no right to continue asking for this information.

Urg. Well starting the work day. Thankfully it's Friday.

Attack the Day

It was hard to wake up this morning. I debated about sleeping in and just using up some of my banked hours. But working late is not my thing. It's nice to get off work and still have the evening to do whatever. I rolled out of bed. Showered. Put on my war paint a.k.a. eye liner, today I went with bubble gum pink and purple. It made me look a little ill but also my eyes looked super green and round. With the different look on my eyes, I was ready to deal with whatever shit the day decided to throw. Indeed shit was tossed and smeared. Thankfully not literally. Gotta look on the bright side, right?

Last week's appointments, assessments and decisions exhausted me. I feel emotionally numb and brain dead. This weeks goal is to just survive. Take many break and take care of myself. That includes making sure I eat. Knowing me, I'll stop eating to prove something. To prove I'm tough? To prove what? I dont know but I don't want to go down that road.

I'm making this confession to be more accountable. Maybe by exposing how I deal and my wish to be better that I will actual try. And not just say I will. If there's anyone out there with advice, I'm open and receptive.

Hello Kasuku

Its the end of the day... The bus seems to be moving slower than usual but I know it's just my excitement. Chris and I are adopting an African Grey parrot. It's about a 40 year commitment. Tonight we are having our last play date until the adoption day.

Most people think I'm mad... I can tell by their reaction when I tell them... The reactions are quickly recovered to match my excitement which is a sweet gesture of support. Then there's the haters like my younger (and annoying) siblings who will voice their negative opinions. Most are turned off by these beautiful creatures. Maybe because they live long, they require a lot if attention, their beaks can rip you a part (not to mention your furniture) and they are not quiet domesticated. Personally I see all of the above plus the attitude of these birds as positive qualities in a companion feathered critter.

Saturday is the day Kasuku will come home. If anyone is interested, YouTube "Alex African Grey Parrot"... I'll post videos later tonight.

Two Cosmos

And I'm somewhat drunk. When did I become such a light weight?! bah. Chris just called me to say that he sucks and won't be picking me up... So I have a 60 minute commute home via public transport. This time could be used studying but my head is in a happy spin. Most likely will become a nauseous spin by the end of this bus ride.

Tonight was a first. I met up with some beautiful girls that I met via blogging. The night was fun. The girls were all awesome. Once my exam is over, I will do a proper posts with shout outs and pictures. Now, you are just stuck with my ramblings. *insert evil laugh mwahaha*

Please allow me to apologize for the horrible grammar and spelling. No proof reading will be done. But what's different from the norm?! My main goal is not to giggle at the bus driver who is loving his voice.

Back to the night. I confessed to a few my day job. I laughed, drank and ate a green salad. In my social psych course I've learnt that online relationships are very much like real ones. For whatever reason I have never believed that fact and would mock cyber-geeks. Well I was wrong. Thes girls were very mch like friends. Maybe we don't share our deeper secrets but there was familiarity, common interest and good times.

I'm happy I didn't do my usual and cancel. Thank you Emily for organizing this get together. Next time karaoke.... I won't sing because that's cruel and unusual punishment.

Bus Posts Don't Count

So what, I said that I will be cutting down on blogging?! Posting while sitting on the bus so does not count!! Really, I just want to share some wisdom from a beautiful colleague. She's 46 years old and looks like she's in her mid/late 20s. The last six months I've been "harassing" her on her beauty secrets. Today she spilled!!

1) Never wear make up! Just wash, moisturize and put on some lip gloss. NOTED! Lately I have been trying mineral makeup but my skin is breaking out. It's nothing to do with the products, I just have acne-proned skin and can't wear makeup. So I'm going back to my makeup-free morning routine. Except for special events, I'll doll up for those.

2) A natural face mask: egg, cucumber and olive oil blended. Sometimes uses avocado in the mix. This mix makes me nervous because of my tendency to break out. I might try it though... I'll need to ponder and drill my colleague for exact measurements. Her saying "just some egg, cucumber and a bit of olive oil" doesn't fly with my need to know the exact details.

I must add that this lady is always so happy, loving and chill. The care-free atmosphere that surrounds her must have an effect as well.

Beauties out there, share your secrets! I'm nosey like that and want to know what makes you feel (and look) younge and beautiful. XOXO

I DON'T do mornings

Nope, mornings are not for me. I'm getting into the bad habit of turning off my alarm then going back to sleep for an hour or more. Should I listen to my body and flex my work shedule for later days?

This morning started okay. I felt good and deserving enough to spend some extra time on my appearance. Which meant I actually applied my mineral make-up instead of the standard natural look. My skin is uber sensitive so I've been make-up free (except speacial occasions) for over a year. I'm going to try mineral make-up since it's apparently "so good for your skin". Maybe the light coverage will give me a boost needed for me ego.

The eight o'clock bus was early, therefore I missed it. So after a near ankle twisting jog to the bus stop, I decided to go back home to make a sandwich before the next bus.

Durning the sandwich making process I re-cut my finger. This past Friday I sliced my left index finger (on accident) then of course, as soon as it's almost healed, I slice the same spot. Ow! It definitely stung. So I nursed my wound and headed to the bus.

Half way there I realize that I don't have my freaking bus pass... So I go back. There it is beside that damn knife that has cut me twice. Urg. Thank goodness this bus was late. But I was fuming. Waiting in the bitter cold, my toes freezing and ear phones forgotten on my desk. Knowing that I won't have my tunes for today's commute SUCKS!!!

Topping it off is my work buddy passing me in her heated car, only to taunt! Apparently I looked as cold as I felt. Many curse words came out of my mouth.. She understood and waited before her evening shift to check on me, in person. Sometimes people can just sense when others need a hug.

Thankfully the day went fast and well. I indirectly apologized for my foul language. I plan on updating more when I get home.. Also catch up on peoples blogs. XO

Let's Talk Zombies

My first adult party, in my first house is happening tomorrow! I'm so excited and nervous. All of my skeletons are hung up, the graves have been dug, my wig has been fixed up for my costume and the house is cleaned. All that needs to be done is some last minute shopping.

The week hasn't been as stressful as anticipated. Busy, yes but taking on every task one at a time. I have to change my mind set to a more positive tune. Living in negativity and stress just causes me headaches and wrinkles.

Back to Halloweenie topics. Anyone out there going to be watching the "Walking Dead" premier on Halloween night? I'm so excited for this zombie series. AMC keeps promoting it with the actors talking about the inevablity of a zombie attack. So much fun!!! Everyone who knows me, knows I love talking zombies. How would you survive? Are you ready? Would you give up or just lock yourself in the tallest building hoping for rescue? Would you go in to attack the fuckers with machete blazing? Or would you stick to the outskirts of towns, always traveling to outrun them? Do you prefer a chainsaw or machete? So many different options. If you don't know what you'd do, read the "Zombie Survival Guide", it could save your life.

I Am the Kid Who Runs After Buses

Another mad sprint to catch the bus. Who wants to bet how many times this will happen again this week? This time I saw the bus coming as soon as I locked up the house. I took off in my black fluffy Aldo winter boots. The 100 feet dash got my heart pounding when I still felt half asleep. What a way to wake up. Thank goodness the bus driver was observant and kind to wait for me at the stop. My legs aren't as fast as they used to be when I ran track & field.

The season is in full autumn. Trees are shredding their leave faster than you can rake them up. Darkness is taking over the daylight. And, the temperature doesn't seem to capture the frozen bit in the air. All of these things remind me that winter is coming. Soon there will be snow and short, cold days. It's getting harder to get out of bed. Not because of the depression, but because its difficult to wake before the sun and when your bed is so much warmer than your room. I envy my cat who is still cuddled in the warm blanket while I sit on a crowded bus. Not fair!

Sparkly Pencil Makes Me Happy

Leaving my headphones in the office sucks when I have an hour bus ride home from work. The worst of it is realizing that in the morning I have another hour of musicless commute. Blah! Now I must listen to the very crazy man behind me, talking to himself. Oh I am mean right after work.

Really nothing to talk about.

Just keeping busy while riding the bus home.

Bored.

Highlight of the day: my buddy, Joane giving me a Halloween pencil. So cute. So Halloweenie.

Speaking of Halloween!

I have decided to throw a Halloween party for all of my work friends and colleagues. Costumes optional. Really wanted to make them mandatory but most people make awkward faces whenever the topic of dressing up is mentioned. I don't get why people are so opposed to costumes. Maybe as adults we try to pretend the idea of dressing up to be something magical or fictional is no longer fun but a sign of madness. I'm still in the stage of "in between"'adult and child. I love costumes, day dreaming (fantasizing) and playing games. But have the responsibilities of an adult.

Not too sure where I was going with this rant.

Oh!

Costumes. I have no idea what I want to be. I wanted to do Alice from Resident Evil....but I don't think work buddies will like my interpretation of what Alice always carries to kick zombie ass. If u got any ideas out there, please share. The only thing I can't bring myself to do is loads tons of makeup on my face to look like a scary monster since I usually feel like that on the daily.