No Longer the Fashionista

Even though I never considered myeslf a fashionista, I must admit that whatever style I did have has been fading over with my expanding body. Before getting pregnant, I imagined how my body would change and grow.   My dream was that all the weight gained would go to the baby bump and breast only.  And I would have that glow that is all too well known. 

Reality is never quite the same.

I try to keep in mind that we all have a warped self image.  That the changes I see happening to my body is not quite what others see.  It's been fairly easy to stay healthy through out the pregnancy because I'm sharing my body with someone so precious to me.  However, it has been hard keeping my Eating Disorder thoughts under control.  

Everything will be okay. 

Thankfully I have a good support system of family, friends and health professional who are understanding of my craziness and help me through the rough times.  

~*~

Plus, I know it sounds so superficial... But I'll be going shopping with a good friend today to buy a holiday dress that I can wear to my baby shower and a few other parties I am going to in the next month.  Even though I have been lucky to get a lot of hand-me-down maternity outfits and my mom spoiled me at the H&M Mama store.  A new outfit always seems to make me smile and feel good about my appearance.  

Monday Morning...

No one really likes Mondays. The weekends are always too short and Friday feels so far away.

I wasn't looking forward to this weekend... And I won't get into it too much because focusing on the positive is for the better. I will confess that it wasn't as bad as I was worried about. Chris and I were able to spend a lot of time with the family, I got to drive an old BMW and we had a nice afternoon celebrating a birthday.

When Chris woke me up this morning to tell me that it was snowing. I didn't want to believe him and I couldn't imagine how much snow there would actually be. To my surprise and disgust, there's a lot of snow and apparently it will continue until Wednesday. Not cool.

Is it really the weekend?

We've all had them... Those weekends you don't look forward to. The ones that all your time has been claimed by others. Well that's what I'm heading into tomorrow. My anxiety today has been running high as I think about what the weekend will be like. I've been bad, only eating a sandwich today. The non-eating coping mechanism really has to go. And I need to stay strong.

Can't wait till Monday.

An Emo Update

It's been awhile since I've sat down and shared with other what the heck is going on in this head of mine.  Honestly the last couple of months I have been fairly disconnected with myself in attempts to get back into a "normal routine".  

If I'm even more honest with myself, I have had a bit of a slip in terms of eating.  

Even though I wouldn't consider myself as "engaging in symptoms" (a term used to refer to behaviours related to losing or controlling body weight)... I have not been following my meal plan.  It's a hard thing to explain.  But for me, it's has to be a conscious effort to eat my three meals a day with the certain portions from every food group.  As I have emotionally disconnected and focused my energy on the other things in life, my attention to the meal plan has slipped away.  

I don't like to admit this because there are family and loved ones who will be disappointed in me.  I don't want to disappoint people who really hoped that I'd be cured of this by now.  I hoped to be cured of this by now.  

You Just Have to Laugh

Even though laughing wasn't my first reaction.
And it took some venting before I could find the humor in it.
When stupid shit happens which is totally out of your control...
Just laugh it off.

What's the point in getting angry or stressed?

Yes, I might have found a little pleasure in yelling at one of the stupid persons.
But after the yelling, I still felt crappy.
Also, a little guilty for making someone feel incompetent,

Laughing, however, leaves warm feeling in the cockles of my heart...

Body Image Challenge

Well here it is...
Not the most flattering angle nor outfit...
But it's the first picture that has been taken of me that has captured my whole body in months:

It was hard to decline when a colleague of mine took out her camera to take a few shots from a charity bake sale we did last week.  I have been shying away from cameras for about 5-6 months now, only allowing family to take the obligatory pictures from holiday gatherings.  What's hard for me, is accepting the 20-25 pounds that I have gained in order to be healthy.  It's difficult to accept that when eating three balanced meals a day, while following Canada's food guide, my body wants to be at a BMI of about 22.5-23... with most of my curves being from the waist down, it's hard to shake that ideal of a Barbie image... or the ideal of thinness that is so ingrained in the media.  And I must accept that I do have a booty... (Maybe listening more to Sir Mix-A-Lot will help?)

But I keep reminding myself that beauty is more than just the ideals projected by the media.  What's important to me is my loved ones, the opportunities I have for learning, art, having fun and so much  more.  When an Eating Disorder takes over, all the wonderful things that life has to offer slips away. 

(BMI of 19)

Controlling my body by unhealthy means, only caused pain to myself and loved ones.  Even though I felt like I was in control and could take on anything, in reality I was just numbing out and escaping life.   What I have learned about myself is that I can handle the tough emotions and stress of life without turning to E.D. It sucks at times and sometimes I feel out of control, but that is something that comes along with living life to it's fullest.  Learning acceptance is key to my recovery.  

I'm curious to know how people handle the "tough emotions" like sadness or anger.

Call Me Confused

If I was to discribe him, I would say he's a curious intellectual who enjoys a good conversation (or what I like to call "shooting the shit"). He's a patient of mine. And even through I choose to keep my role detached, usually opting from face-to-face interaction to keep objective when doing analysis... I sometimes break my own rules. So whenever I have a few moment to spare, I take the time to stop and chat with the fella.

Usually we talk about politics, cultures, sports, human behaviour, local events and the news. But today he threw me for a loop when asking 1) what I was sick with and 2) what my religious beliefs were. Both of these questions I politely declined to answer by responding 1) it's too personal and 2) I believe in all things possible but unsure what's right for me, call me confused. He was notably disappointed in my avoidance to answer. Which is understandable as I tend to present myself as open and honest... But apparently not as open and honest when it comes to the certain topics.

The topic of being sick is one I have been avoiding and toying with since returning to work. I wanted to be honest but hesitated the avoided. I was worried about what he would think of me, worried about if others would overhear. I'm worried that if people knew the truth, knew that I struggled with a psychological disorder, that they would see me as weak, dumb and unreliable.

Exposing myself would create an environment that I could not control or predict. I cannot know how people will react or what they will really think if I tell them the truth, instead of hiding behind my wall.

What would you do? Would you tell someone what you really thought, feel and believe? Or would you play it safe?

The Colour Green

Jealousy.  It's a nasty thing, that messes with your ego.  But like confidence and other emotions, we all experience jealousy to some extent.  I will admit to being a jealous person who tends to envy people who are thin and beautiful.  That envy goes along with having an eating disorder.  It is something that I'm trying to overcome.  

One thing that I have learnt in my experience of the Day Program, is to recognize my emotions and thoughts... to really explore what is going on and how it leads to the negative thinking which contributes to an overall feeling of being worthless.  

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed.

Returning to the "real world" and applying all the new thinking and behavioural techniques for staying healthy has been exhausting.  At times I feel hopeless that I will never really get rid of that demon called "ED".  I still wish to be thinner than I am.  I still feel like I will be beautiful and successful if I could just lose 10 pounds.  

It's that kind of thinking that leads to the rabbit hole where I get lost in dieting, exercising, avoiding certain foods, keeping a mental track of what I've eaten and what needs to be "burnt off",  allowing myself to eat "reward foods" if I can go a day without anything and numbing out everything else but the quest to lose another pound... 

... But back on track.  I got rid of what I hope to be the last of my "sick clothes".  Now being a size medium/6-8 in most things all of my extra smalls, smalls and 0-4's had to go.  It has taken 4 separate purges of my wardrobe to ensure that only the "healthy clothes" remain in my closet.  Each time, it has been hard to part with the clothes I was giving away.  I tried to justify keeping things because of the designer labels or vintage looks that I adore.  But looking at what I could not fit in was not good for my confidence.

This weekend, I gave away the last of it to a little girl in need.  She is 14 years old and needed clothing.  It was hard seeing her wear my clothes over the weekend.  I was envious that she was able to fit in the clothes that I was able to fit in a mere 6 months ago.  I even became jealous of her and that she had a body that I could only wish of having... But as Chris and so many others will point out... She is 14, a child, while I am 26 and a woman who has a different kind of body type.

Acceptance is something that I am working on.

I've recognized that my insecurities and fatigue over returning to the real world has lead to my weekend moments of sadness, insecurity and jealousy.  It will get better with time.  I have accepted that I'm not 100% recovered from my Eating Disorder, but I will beat it.

A Moment in History *

(Click here to see photo on Moose Photography's Flickr)

Things have being going well enough.  But the past few days… weeks even, have been pretty great.  Lately I have been making lots of plans with friends, which has got me thinking more about the upcoming holidays.   It seems like every year it gets harder to be in the holiday spirit.  As I get older, I feel like the Grinch with an old raisin-like heart.  There’s less than two weeks until Christmas and I am feeling the need to warm up this old shriveled heart.

First, I want to send out a big Thank You to Lee, from Moose Photography for the beautiful picture above.  Not only did he do an amazing job taking the photograph, but also he was super sweet to give me this.   I love it.  And, it’s honestly the one of the very few photographs of only myself that I adore this much.

Decorating the Christmas tree was always a well-enjoyed holiday tradition.  This year I decided to invite a few friends over to help me out with this task.  I also was able to convince them that making DIY decorations would be fun.    However, it was pointed out that I would have probably had more people come if I didn’t put “craftiness going on” in the invitations. It hurts my soul that people have given up on the great art of crafts. 

~* The Holiday Photo *~

 

I very much dislike getting my photograph taken.  When cameras are present, my reaction tends to be to whine or kick out.  So when one of my new and good friends, Amy suggested to get out pictures taken with Santa, it was no surprise that when I saw the jolly old man, I whined then ran away.  But we made a deal, if she would play with the crafts then I would take a picture with Santa.  I think, that the most embarrassing thing for me when getting my picture taken is that I make awkward faces and stiff poses.

The day after out tree trimming get-together, Amy and I hit the local mall to see Santa.  Originally we wanted to show up in tacky Christmas sweaters but surprisingly the thrift stores was out of tacky sweaters.  The afternoon of searching for Christmas props, Santa stalking and customized card making was tons of fun.   And, minus the tight smile and tense posture, the picture turned out great. 

* Writer's Note: 

Title totally taken from a text message sent by Amy.

I believe it is fitting for this post.  Therefore, I stole it :)