Storms a Brewing

Day 47.

Tomorrow will be my first day at the Day Program for eating disorders.  Right now, the best way to describe what I am feeling is probably "fear".  I'm scared that 1) I won't fit in, 2) I can't be fixed and 3) that they will ask me to leave.  It's upsetting because this is something I want to do so badly but when the day comes, I become fearful.

Nanny's apartment, summer 2007

Up until this morning, I have avoided the reality of starting the Day Program tomorrow.  Using my comfortable coping method of avoidance, I have continued to keep myself busy during all waking hours.  My blogging, journaling and down time has taken a huge hit in the last two weeks because I don't want to deal.  

Not constructive and not helpful, I know, I know.  

The easiest thing for me to do right now is to reflect on the last time I was admitted into an eating disorder program.  Back in 2006 during my second year of college, I attended a weekly group educational & support program.  

As far back as I can remember, I have been concerned with my body and appearance.  My concerns were mostly that I was too ugly or too fat to be considered attractive.  There were times though that I was okay with not being an attractive person.  During the times when I was more at peace with myself, the positive things like family, friends and school were more important to me than appearances.  Even though my set body weight was not as skinny as I desired; my weight during those peaceful times was considered normal and healthy.  

Winter holidays, 2006

Then came D.  It's hard for me to talk about this ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago but he unfortunately had a huge influence on how my insecurities progressed.  Looking back, I should have ended our relationship after a week when the first warning signs were present.   I was taking an introduction Psychology class, and even had a chapter on abusive spouses.  The signs were present: 1) At first he put me on this pedestal of perfection, I could do no wrong in his eyes. 2) The jealousy about other guys, previous relationships was always followed by apologies, blaming how much he cared.  3) He would talk badly about my friends, try to get me isolated from other supports.  And, 4) the loss of control and choices, he always needed to know where I was and be present.  

Fear of getting hurt or losing him kept me from breaking it off sooner than I should have.  

I felt like I lost all control.  After a year, I felt like there was no other life, other than him.  There isn't many pictures of when it got really bad, mostly because I rarely went out or saw other people without him going into a rage.  Being around 100 lbs (not my natural weight) and him close to 300 lbs, the physical abuse was little but scary as hell.  To cope with all of this,  I got my sense of control back with controlling my eating.  

As the restrictive and purging behaviours progressed it became more and more rewarding.  Soon I was able to have better control over my restriction and didn't have to purge as much.  That was an achievement in my eyes.  Every pound I lost, every day I went without eating, I felt empowered.  When people started to notice that something was wrong, I felt cared for.  

D. and I were still together when I went through the program in Kingston for the first time.  Everything seemed to click during those session.  It was one of the things that gave me the courage to end the relationship.  And I thought that ending the relationship with D. would be the end of all my problems.

With the the sense of control back, I felt high.  Days passed, I continued to eat and better.  Even though I carried around the same insecurities, I would tell myself just to ignore and move on.  At that time I only had one coping skill, avoidance, and used it with every negative event or thought.  

My sexy man, posing on the dragon, 2007  - He looks so young!

Meeting Chris during that time definitly added to my happiness.  He made me feel so loved and beautiful, as he still does today.  But even though I had the support from my love, family and friends.  Playing happy by avoiding years of insecurities and abusive events eventually took it's toll.  I crashed somewhere between 18 months to two years after the end of the relationship with D.

Pretending to be fine started to become harder and harder.  

I started to evaluate everything, everyday and attempt to make it perfect.  When things didn't go smoothly, I would stress and take on whatever I could to make it perfect.  But nothing can be perfect, so the stress cycled over and over.  The body image and appearance insecurities became more intense to the point that I started to restrict once again.  

Maybe it's because I am older now... or maybe it's because I've already put my body through this kind of physical stress before... But this time, I became sicker the more I restricted. Dark circles developed under my eyes, acne worsened and skin became pale.   Headaches and migraines are a regular occurrence which no amount of medication seemed to help.  Depression-like mood and fatigue... 

It's all my fault.  Really.  Most people have insecurities.  Plus, many people have also been in abusive relationships.  I can't continue to blame D. but I need to learn to deal with all that he did.  My coping skills suck.  But, I will go tomorrow to the Day Program and try to change.  Thankfully I have the support of my love, family, friends and the sweet people who continue to read my blog and leave supportive comments.  

Thanks everyone for your continued support.  It really means a lot that you are there.

Do I Even Need to do a Disclaimer?!

Hopefully not.  

But just in case...

I feel like there is a responsibility to at least say that at no point am I ever recommending someone to do what I am doing.  This is my own personal journey and while other things have been trailed in the past to fix my distorted thinking... This is the first time that I am sharing it with everyone or anyone who is interested as opposed to a very close network of supports.  

Some of the reasons to why I decided to openly share is that I would like to be able to reach out to other people who may be experiencing similar situation, along other who have stories & advice to share.  My intention is not to provide advice in any way.  Just to discuss and share experiences.  

Blogging has encouraged me to be more open.  It's interesting that the level of disclosure seems to increase as your identify becomes more anonymous. In my experience,  blogging made it easier to ask and answer the questions I usually avoid when in a face-to-face group dynamic.  Because I'm a master at avoidance, these questions are important to bring up and address.  Especially when they are making me feel uneasy, anxious and or sad.

Even though I am not giving out advice...

I do hope that if there is someone out there reading this who feels similar to what I do, that they will feel inspired to seek out help.  Whatever the help may be, I hope that it helps that person find happiness and self-appriciation.  

And my heart hit a problem, in the early hours

A while ago, I did a Valentines feature on firsts.  Originally I was going to post about my First "Love".  Then decided that it was a little too emo for the day of Love, and I posted about my first kiss.   The following has been sitting in as a draft since then, I haven't posted it because it never felt right.  I don't think it ever will because thinking about this part of my past still hurts.

Sometimes your heart lies.  Sometimes you lie about your happiness to everyone who loves you. Sometimes you lie to yourself.  All these lies aren't good for the soul.  That hurt stays longer than ever imagined.

June 2005, Me (green skirt) & D.

I've always been attracted to what I like to call "the bad boys", other people may call them: jerks, assholes and possibly even losers.  In my first year of college I fell in what I thought to be love for the very first time.  I knew D. all though out high school but it wasn't until college after a seeing each other at a few parties that we got together.  He was a traditional romantic.  He pampered me and treated me like a proper lady.  It was nice to have someone see me as beautiful and perfect when I've always felt the furthest from it.   After a few short months that love turned into something totally unexpected and scary.  

D. had his own insecurities which he was not able to cope well with.  His fear of losing me turned into a jealousy and intense possession.  At first, I fought back any restrictions but he knew my weakness: low self-esteem and fed into it.  Taking psychology courses, I knew all of the warning signs of an abusive relationship but like I've said before knowing is a different ball-game then doing. 

It wasn't really love what we had because love doesn't hurt like that.  I pushed away all my best friends and loved ones because time spent with them was upsetting for him.  If I was not in school and not with him, he would be looking for me and in a rage by the time he found me.  He must have known that it wasn't right because he would never show this side to anyone, but wait until we were alone to release.  D. was emotionally, verbally and on occasion, physically abusive.  I stayed with him though because I was scared that no one else would love me.  

Girls Only Party, my room, April 2006

There's two very distinctive nights that I remember being my "awakening" moments. The first was during a girls only party that I was allowed to have.  Permission given by D. as I was almost done with the school year and needed to relax.  We all know that technique where you ask your parents to have someone over when that person is there with you... I kind of did that with D. but with my parents present, asking him for permission to have the girls over to hang out with me. He couldn't say no with my parents within earshot.

During the party, it came to my attention that D. deleted & blocked all of my male friends (with the exception of my two closest) from my MSN.  As well as deleting them from my contacts so that there was no way to retrieve them.  During our relationship, I rarely went on the internet except for school related things.  It shocked me that he didn't trust me enough to have friends of a certain gender on my MSN.

After the girls left, I was soon with D.  I was feeling strong.  Probably due to the "Sex on the Beach" and hour long pep talk from my friends.  So, I confronted D. about deleting my friends, more upset that he didn't trust me  As expected, he got mad but what wasn't so expected was his violence.  I've never been so afraid in my whole life.  During his rage, he proposed.  Looking back, all I can think is "who the hell proposed during a violent rage?"... but apparently he did.  In the moment, I said "yes" but never truly meant it and I'm sure he knew that because we never talked about that night. 

K-Town movie threatre, 2005

A few weeks, and a second proposal done in a similar fashion which I gave him no response just cried later, I had my last major "awakening" moment.  After a work supper, I ended up being the Designated Driver, as D. didn't like me to drink when he wasn't around.  We squeezed five people into my tiny 92'Civic hatchback and I conveniently dropped of a one of my cute colleagues and his roommate off last. His roommate jumped out, said he would visit a friend and ran away... yes this was a sneaky ploy of theirs.  As a good girlfriend I declined the cute colleague's invitation for watching a movie, because we all know what the real intention was. I liked him & thought he was cute & was totally crushing.  On the drive home, the song "Unfaithful" by Rhianna came on.  I burst into tears, called my BFF Jacklyn to tell her that I had a crush on a boy who was not D. 

Luckily a few days later, D. had his wisdom teeth pulled out.  While he was high on the pain medication, I let him know that is was over and there was no trying to fix anything.  It may seem cowardly to break up with someone after a minor surgery and while on a large doses of pain medication.  But it was necessary.  Even impaired, D. still was able to hurt me but he wasn't as strong as usual so I was able to get away from him.  It was one of the scariest moments I had with him.  I don't even remember driving home, only calling my dad to open the garage and wait for me because I was afraid he would follow me home.  I ran into the safety of my house and into my room were my sister stayed with me while I shook & cried. 

It's never right... and makes me sad to think that there are so many people out there who are in abusive relationships.  I can undestand the feelings that tie you to someone who is hurting you so much.  There can be a love there but mostly it is fear.  The fear I felt was that I would never find anyone who would love me for who I was, because of how he reinforced all my insecurities and low self-confidence.  Everyday he would remind me that no one would ever love me and I was all that he had.

D. was wrong though.  I found someone who loves every part of me.  

Chris & I <3 Graduation Day, June 2007

Chris loves all of my imperfections and still sees me as beautiful. The love that Chris shows me is something I used to dream of when I was a little girl.  He treats me like a princess, a friend and his love.  We fight, we play, we love and we grow closer each day. One day I'll share more of the real love story of Chris & I.  He is my soul-mate. 

The Month of Love

I've never really liked the month of February...  the winter season is getting old and gray.  Warmer weather is strongly desired.  Last year my dislike for February took a whole different meaning to me. So this year I'm trying to make it a month that means something more positive.  

Just before Valentines Day rolled in, I proposed that bloggers share their love stories.  It was amazing to see all the stories.  The theme was "Firsts"... so it was anything and everything from first kiss, date, love and heartbreak. You can check out the story of my first kiss, but I must admit that it isn't technically my first kiss.  I think that dares and pushy boys don't make for romantic stories, this story is about the first kiss that I wanted and enjoyed.    

Love Stories

My beautiful mom left a comment of her love story, she wrote:  

"I don't blog and have no idea. I just like reading you blog. My first love is a love that has grown over the years. It started when I got married at what was considered a young age to my high school sweetheart. But this isn't my whole love story. This love continued to grow with each child that was born. It seems odd to say I am in love with one person. I am in love with the life we made together and the family we had. The love of my life is my family. My husband and my three children. I don't know how to seperate them and I don't want to. My heart swells with pride and joy when I think of each member of my family. Happy Valentines Day <3"

Kam from the Closet Narcassist posted the story about her first and true love.  It always amazes me when I hear stories about true love that started off in high school.  For a couple to go through so much growing and still be in love at the end of it says something about the strength of the relationship.

It warmed my heart when Jen from the Closet Narcissist posted about her loves and the importance of loving your self.   Anyone who reads her blog knows that Valentines Day can difficult so it was nice to see that she was up for posting.  I think that the message of self-love is so important and can be minimized by many people.  Including my self.  Self love is something that I struggle with, and one of the reasons why I really enjoy reading the Closet Narcissist.  Jen & Kam are both very beautiful people.

The very fashionable Em from Tinfoils Tiaras shared a funny first date story.  It's always fun to share the horrors and hilarity of dating with friends.  Oh, and I got to learn a new word, which was crustashe, thanks goodness she linked it because I would have never guessed what it was.

The adorable little lady from Peace Love Lauren posted about her very first Valentines Day as a married woman. A later post she talks more about her first Valentines Day with the hubby.  This couple is too cute and obviously in love.

One of my best friends, Krista, took a stroll down memory lane and shared a story about one of her first dates.  In high school I remember her telling bits and pieces of the story but never the whole thing all together.   It was nice to read the whole story and giggle a bit.  Really, it's okay to giggle because she has loads more stories on me that would make her & others giggle too. 

The very beautiful Justyna from Chichichic told a very funny story of her first kiss.  It's always great too look back on childhood memories and laugh about how silly we could be or how we can fall for certain tricks. She later shares about her first slow dance. 

Jaclyn wrote about her first Valentines gift and another Valentines story.  If I was her friend back when she got her first Valentines gift, the mean boy who acted like a jerk would have gotten an ass kicking from moi.  No one is mean to Jaclyn without having to deal with the wrath of her BFF. 

A blogger friend, Sweden, left a comment on the proposal post answering all the questions.  I really appreciated her honesty in sharing her love stories.  Her confessions were very interesting and I enjoyed learning more about her. 

Thank you to everyone who shared <3

Love Day

First Kiss. I was what some people might call a "late bloomer" but mostly my insecurities prevented me from accepting dates.  My first real kiss happened on New Years Eve of 2003/2004.  I was in grade twelve.  His name was H.  Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of him but I can assure you that he was adorable  He had dark hair, bright brown eyed, about my height, very built (football player) and sweet as can be.  

We had been flirting with each other since the first year of high school.  One of my good friends had always had a crush on him so I could never accept his requests to go out on a date.  We ended up being really good friends because our constant attraction to each other kept us talking.  One day I just decided to say "yes" because really I didn't want to turn him down again.

Some of the girls: Jaclyn, Minx & Me, 2007

I remember he kept hugging me and holding my hand throughout the night.  I wasn't a big drinker and he was sweet enough to support me in saying "no" to the constant flow of drinks.  Our first kiss was as sweet as all the other ones that followed.  We didn't end up waiting for it to turn midnight to kiss even though that would have added to the moment.    

When the night was over, he was sweet enough to walk me home.  People who don't live in Ontario might not appreciate this gesture as much.  It was a very cold, 40 minute walk through the snow and occasional snow bank.  Looking back, the extra drinks might have kept me warmer.  

My invisible drink in hand & outfit-go-to, black T & blue jeans, 2007

I was a happy & giddy that night.  The sad part of this story is really my own fault.  With all my insecurities and fears... the day after NYE I began to push H. away from me.  I didn't want him to hurt me so I ended it fairly quick.  It's too bad because he was such a sweet guy.   Through out the years we have grown apart but I still consider us to be friends. 

Share Your Love Stories

Valentines Day is here!  There should be some love shared over the blogosphere.  Post about one or more of your firsts:  Crush, Date, Kiss, High School Dance, Flowers, Boy/Girlfriend, "Time" ;), Love, Heartbreak, and Real Love. 

Leave a comment here or (here) to say that you are posting about a first. And I'll be sure to mention you in a follow up post.