Being a Bad Blogger

The last few weeks have been my hardest so far in this whole thing called "treatment".  

I'm pissed about the weight I've gained and the strong possibility of more pounds to come.

I hate having to eat extra for every 15 minutes worth of activity.  

I'm irritated at the constant questioning about "how certain things make me feel".

I feel inhuman when I'm not able to cry or express sadness. 

I'm exhausted during the evenings and weekends. 

~*~

Even though there has been a slight increase in my energy levels, I still don't feel motivated to get involved. There's so many ideas and desires floating in my head but nothing seems to be put into action.  It's something I have to start working on.  Just because I'm feeling more sad and irritated lately doesn't mean I should withdraw from things in my life.

Coming up I will be volunteering at an exciting event for a website that I write for.  The task will be mostly out of my comfort zone with a lot of socializing and networking.  But I'm up for the challenge and thankful to have the opportunity.  

Storms a Brewing

Day 47.

Tomorrow will be my first day at the Day Program for eating disorders.  Right now, the best way to describe what I am feeling is probably "fear".  I'm scared that 1) I won't fit in, 2) I can't be fixed and 3) that they will ask me to leave.  It's upsetting because this is something I want to do so badly but when the day comes, I become fearful.

Nanny's apartment, summer 2007

Up until this morning, I have avoided the reality of starting the Day Program tomorrow.  Using my comfortable coping method of avoidance, I have continued to keep myself busy during all waking hours.  My blogging, journaling and down time has taken a huge hit in the last two weeks because I don't want to deal.  

Not constructive and not helpful, I know, I know.  

The easiest thing for me to do right now is to reflect on the last time I was admitted into an eating disorder program.  Back in 2006 during my second year of college, I attended a weekly group educational & support program.  

As far back as I can remember, I have been concerned with my body and appearance.  My concerns were mostly that I was too ugly or too fat to be considered attractive.  There were times though that I was okay with not being an attractive person.  During the times when I was more at peace with myself, the positive things like family, friends and school were more important to me than appearances.  Even though my set body weight was not as skinny as I desired; my weight during those peaceful times was considered normal and healthy.  

Winter holidays, 2006

Then came D.  It's hard for me to talk about this ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago but he unfortunately had a huge influence on how my insecurities progressed.  Looking back, I should have ended our relationship after a week when the first warning signs were present.   I was taking an introduction Psychology class, and even had a chapter on abusive spouses.  The signs were present: 1) At first he put me on this pedestal of perfection, I could do no wrong in his eyes. 2) The jealousy about other guys, previous relationships was always followed by apologies, blaming how much he cared.  3) He would talk badly about my friends, try to get me isolated from other supports.  And, 4) the loss of control and choices, he always needed to know where I was and be present.  

Fear of getting hurt or losing him kept me from breaking it off sooner than I should have.  

I felt like I lost all control.  After a year, I felt like there was no other life, other than him.  There isn't many pictures of when it got really bad, mostly because I rarely went out or saw other people without him going into a rage.  Being around 100 lbs (not my natural weight) and him close to 300 lbs, the physical abuse was little but scary as hell.  To cope with all of this,  I got my sense of control back with controlling my eating.  

As the restrictive and purging behaviours progressed it became more and more rewarding.  Soon I was able to have better control over my restriction and didn't have to purge as much.  That was an achievement in my eyes.  Every pound I lost, every day I went without eating, I felt empowered.  When people started to notice that something was wrong, I felt cared for.  

D. and I were still together when I went through the program in Kingston for the first time.  Everything seemed to click during those session.  It was one of the things that gave me the courage to end the relationship.  And I thought that ending the relationship with D. would be the end of all my problems.

With the the sense of control back, I felt high.  Days passed, I continued to eat and better.  Even though I carried around the same insecurities, I would tell myself just to ignore and move on.  At that time I only had one coping skill, avoidance, and used it with every negative event or thought.  

My sexy man, posing on the dragon, 2007  - He looks so young!

Meeting Chris during that time definitly added to my happiness.  He made me feel so loved and beautiful, as he still does today.  But even though I had the support from my love, family and friends.  Playing happy by avoiding years of insecurities and abusive events eventually took it's toll.  I crashed somewhere between 18 months to two years after the end of the relationship with D.

Pretending to be fine started to become harder and harder.  

I started to evaluate everything, everyday and attempt to make it perfect.  When things didn't go smoothly, I would stress and take on whatever I could to make it perfect.  But nothing can be perfect, so the stress cycled over and over.  The body image and appearance insecurities became more intense to the point that I started to restrict once again.  

Maybe it's because I am older now... or maybe it's because I've already put my body through this kind of physical stress before... But this time, I became sicker the more I restricted. Dark circles developed under my eyes, acne worsened and skin became pale.   Headaches and migraines are a regular occurrence which no amount of medication seemed to help.  Depression-like mood and fatigue... 

It's all my fault.  Really.  Most people have insecurities.  Plus, many people have also been in abusive relationships.  I can't continue to blame D. but I need to learn to deal with all that he did.  My coping skills suck.  But, I will go tomorrow to the Day Program and try to change.  Thankfully I have the support of my love, family, friends and the sweet people who continue to read my blog and leave supportive comments.  

Thanks everyone for your continued support.  It really means a lot that you are there.

And my heart hit a problem, in the early hours

A while ago, I did a Valentines feature on firsts.  Originally I was going to post about my First "Love".  Then decided that it was a little too emo for the day of Love, and I posted about my first kiss.   The following has been sitting in as a draft since then, I haven't posted it because it never felt right.  I don't think it ever will because thinking about this part of my past still hurts.

Sometimes your heart lies.  Sometimes you lie about your happiness to everyone who loves you. Sometimes you lie to yourself.  All these lies aren't good for the soul.  That hurt stays longer than ever imagined.

June 2005, Me (green skirt) & D.

I've always been attracted to what I like to call "the bad boys", other people may call them: jerks, assholes and possibly even losers.  In my first year of college I fell in what I thought to be love for the very first time.  I knew D. all though out high school but it wasn't until college after a seeing each other at a few parties that we got together.  He was a traditional romantic.  He pampered me and treated me like a proper lady.  It was nice to have someone see me as beautiful and perfect when I've always felt the furthest from it.   After a few short months that love turned into something totally unexpected and scary.  

D. had his own insecurities which he was not able to cope well with.  His fear of losing me turned into a jealousy and intense possession.  At first, I fought back any restrictions but he knew my weakness: low self-esteem and fed into it.  Taking psychology courses, I knew all of the warning signs of an abusive relationship but like I've said before knowing is a different ball-game then doing. 

It wasn't really love what we had because love doesn't hurt like that.  I pushed away all my best friends and loved ones because time spent with them was upsetting for him.  If I was not in school and not with him, he would be looking for me and in a rage by the time he found me.  He must have known that it wasn't right because he would never show this side to anyone, but wait until we were alone to release.  D. was emotionally, verbally and on occasion, physically abusive.  I stayed with him though because I was scared that no one else would love me.  

Girls Only Party, my room, April 2006

There's two very distinctive nights that I remember being my "awakening" moments. The first was during a girls only party that I was allowed to have.  Permission given by D. as I was almost done with the school year and needed to relax.  We all know that technique where you ask your parents to have someone over when that person is there with you... I kind of did that with D. but with my parents present, asking him for permission to have the girls over to hang out with me. He couldn't say no with my parents within earshot.

During the party, it came to my attention that D. deleted & blocked all of my male friends (with the exception of my two closest) from my MSN.  As well as deleting them from my contacts so that there was no way to retrieve them.  During our relationship, I rarely went on the internet except for school related things.  It shocked me that he didn't trust me enough to have friends of a certain gender on my MSN.

After the girls left, I was soon with D.  I was feeling strong.  Probably due to the "Sex on the Beach" and hour long pep talk from my friends.  So, I confronted D. about deleting my friends, more upset that he didn't trust me  As expected, he got mad but what wasn't so expected was his violence.  I've never been so afraid in my whole life.  During his rage, he proposed.  Looking back, all I can think is "who the hell proposed during a violent rage?"... but apparently he did.  In the moment, I said "yes" but never truly meant it and I'm sure he knew that because we never talked about that night. 

K-Town movie threatre, 2005

A few weeks, and a second proposal done in a similar fashion which I gave him no response just cried later, I had my last major "awakening" moment.  After a work supper, I ended up being the Designated Driver, as D. didn't like me to drink when he wasn't around.  We squeezed five people into my tiny 92'Civic hatchback and I conveniently dropped of a one of my cute colleagues and his roommate off last. His roommate jumped out, said he would visit a friend and ran away... yes this was a sneaky ploy of theirs.  As a good girlfriend I declined the cute colleague's invitation for watching a movie, because we all know what the real intention was. I liked him & thought he was cute & was totally crushing.  On the drive home, the song "Unfaithful" by Rhianna came on.  I burst into tears, called my BFF Jacklyn to tell her that I had a crush on a boy who was not D. 

Luckily a few days later, D. had his wisdom teeth pulled out.  While he was high on the pain medication, I let him know that is was over and there was no trying to fix anything.  It may seem cowardly to break up with someone after a minor surgery and while on a large doses of pain medication.  But it was necessary.  Even impaired, D. still was able to hurt me but he wasn't as strong as usual so I was able to get away from him.  It was one of the scariest moments I had with him.  I don't even remember driving home, only calling my dad to open the garage and wait for me because I was afraid he would follow me home.  I ran into the safety of my house and into my room were my sister stayed with me while I shook & cried. 

It's never right... and makes me sad to think that there are so many people out there who are in abusive relationships.  I can undestand the feelings that tie you to someone who is hurting you so much.  There can be a love there but mostly it is fear.  The fear I felt was that I would never find anyone who would love me for who I was, because of how he reinforced all my insecurities and low self-confidence.  Everyday he would remind me that no one would ever love me and I was all that he had.

D. was wrong though.  I found someone who loves every part of me.  

Chris & I <3 Graduation Day, June 2007

Chris loves all of my imperfections and still sees me as beautiful. The love that Chris shows me is something I used to dream of when I was a little girl.  He treats me like a princess, a friend and his love.  We fight, we play, we love and we grow closer each day. One day I'll share more of the real love story of Chris & I.  He is my soul-mate.