Thank you Ally

Lately I have been getting positive feedback on being open about my "emo-side".  It's encouraging to hear that people are being supportive.  A friend of mine has started a special section to her blog called "Dear Ally".  It's been a struggle the last few weeks on how to start with this healing process.

I don't mean to sound dramatic in any way.  Right now I am doing fairly well.  It's just, how does one de-stress when all that is known is being busy and focusing energy externally? So I emailed Ally.

Refocusing to internal things like feelings and energy levels is just not me.  So I'm struggling.   But Ally (also known as Shybiker) along with the few people that commented, gave me some great advice.

My "happiness and self-discovery" goals are great and all, but too vague and play into that "all or nothing" thinking schema that I tend to do.  What I should be doing is setting smaller and more concrete goals that are attainable. If those goals are too big, they should be broken down, as I also tend to over-work while consuming little.

Some goals I was thinking of for the next week to two would be:

1) To journal more.  Not necessarily blog but write in a personal diary about the day.  Noting what made it good or bad and using the schema/cognitive-behaviour therapy that I was taught by the Doc.  I want to set the goal of at least an hour a day to myself.  Maybe it's too much, but it can always change.  It will suck to take time out of my day to write in a diary about feelings.  But I'm not connected with myself and writing is something that I am comfortable doing.

2) Get on my bike or motorcycle to ride at least 4 times during the week.  There's something about the warm weather and wind that I love.  One thing that I will need to be cautious about is over-exercising.  If I'm on my bike, I should limit the ride to only one hour with at least one break.... and "ensure that I have a balanced meal before and afterwards"....

3) Bust out the sewing machine and complete at least one skirt by next Friday.  I have the material and patterns, so I should get one at least one of the many unfinished art projects, completed.

4) Go to the beach.

~*~

I want to do a special shout out to Jen & Kam of The Closet Narcissist 

These girls are not only nice but super supportive and creative when it come to seeing things in a more positive light.  They suggested an inspirational "vision board".  I adore the idea as I usually have notebooks for ideas & journalling... So I'm going to out the concept with the notebooks.  

Relax?

Maybe I tried some things to relax today... there was no major miracles to report.  But I tried and that should count for something.  

By trying, I... actually took a break from work by walking to my favorite cafe, Raw Sugar to pick up coffee and a vegan-yummy cupcake.  Auntie Loo's has the best peanut butter icing in the world! With my coffee and sugar fix in hand, I strolled the street of China Town, just soaking in the sun.  When I got home, taking a long hot shower with Chris melted away all the stress from the week.  ;)

Today I tried to focus on the positive events that were happening.  Again... no miracles people, it's an effort to paint rainbows and lollipops into the day of Miss. Negativity (a.k.a. Moi).  

Some positive things:

1) The Closet Narcissist is THE BEST!!!  Without their help, I would have never gotten my buttons done (the lovely gadgets you see on your right). Thank you Jen & Thank you Kam.  You girls are awesome.  

2) Marilou has given me so many opportunities to crash on her (now DOT COM) blog with my ramblings & craziness... so Thank you Hun! I'll be plugging all of my posts on here and twitter once they are posted.  

3) Exciting news is coming... 

<3

Thank You Closet Narcissist

Receiving packages in the mail is always a great joy.  One reason is that you know that they aren't awful bills.  And packages for me are a rare occurrence... so it's always exciting to open them up.

Thank you Jen & Kam from the Closet Narcissist for this beautiful bottle cap necklace.  The message inside is "I don't have to be perfect" which is very fitting for me.  Most of my friends will describe me as competitive and highly motivated... the underlining reason for these fairly positive qualities is my desire for perfection.  Sometimes this desire is unhealthy by causing stress and anxiety.  This necklace is a good reminder that it's okay to have faults and I can even embrace them.  Surprisingly the necklace is fairly heavy so when I wear it I'll be reminded of the message I'm trying to embrace.  Again, thank you Jen & Kam, it's beautiful!

If you haven't check out the blog the Closet Narcissist, I strongly encourage you to check it out.  Jen & Kam are two very beautiful women who encourage self-love.  For me, I enjoy reading the encouraging and supportive words that are written by the powerful duo.

An Inspirational Post

Recently I have started to read & follow a powerful Blogger Duo called "the narcissists' diary". In the most recent post entitled "Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity", I was inspired and impressed by the courage it would take to disclose something so raw.

The beautiful Jenarcissist

A friend, Shybiker, has dedicated a post to this beautiful and sad confession.  Right now, I feel that I too need to do the same by sharing this story. This post is for everyone! If you have ever felt unattractive, unhappy with yourself or not good enough and hope that change can happen.... this post is for you.

I can't say it enough.  It takes so much courage to expose yourself in the way that Jenarcissist has.  Right now I'm at the point where I know that things NEED to change.  I cannot hate myself and beat on myself the way that I do.  There are people who do see me as beautiful and even though I cannot, one day I BELIEVE that I will.  But I do not have the insight or courage to see then address the distorted views that I have.  Jenarcisst is wise beyond her years and is an inspiration to me that change can happen. 

There are some experiences that Jenarcisst and I share.  I can empathize with the some of pain that  she has gone through.  A huge part of me has always thought that the scars that life leaves behind can never be healed.  That you just have to live with it, pretend that it's forgetten and move on.  But there's a healing and growth process that should happen.  This process takes a huge amount of effort, time and energy, at least that's how I see it.  All of which I had not wanted to invest in until recently.  

Another beautiful photograph of Jenarcissist

Right now, I don't even know why I do & think the way that I do.  Is it nature, nurture, and/or experiences? Every thought is so ingrained that I cannot separate them from experiences leading to a distortions.  Some experiences are very obvious ones and stand out when I try to remember... but I know that there is more to it than just a few facts.... because the I've distances myself from these facts like 1) I was bullied hard core, 2) I was in an abusive relationship, 3) I always saw myself as f*ugly and 4) I never fit in. With help from my therapist and soon from a more intensive program... I do believe I will develop that insight and courage. 

I am thankful for my rock and true love, Chris.  Without him I don't think that I would have come this far, at least not at this point in my life.  He pushes me to be better, to love myself and he always shows me unconditional love.  I am also thankful for my family, friends and the connections I have made through blogging.